How the tragic death of Hannah Clarke and her children shone a light on this often-hidden form of domestic abuse.

Content warning: this article discusses issues of coercive control and domestic violence which may be triggering for some readers.

On 19 February 2020, on a quiet suburban street in Brisbane, Hannah Clarke was preparing to drive her three children – six-year-old Aaliyah, Laianah, four, and three-year-old Trey – to school when she was ambushed by her estranged husband, Rowan Baxter.

Brandishing a knife, Baxter doused Hannah and her children with petrol before ordering her to drive to nearby bushland where he set fire to the car’s interior. Restrained by seatbelts in the rear of the vehicle, the children were burned alive. Hannah managed to escape the vehicle but died later that day in hospital. After watching his children die, Baxter stabbed himself to death.

Hannah Clarke and her children were laid to rest in a single coffin. Photo: ABC News

The horrific death of Hannah Clarke and her children made international headlines and sparked a nationwide discussion about an often-hidden form of domestic abuse: coercive control.

Coercive control, otherwise known as intimate terrorism, is a pattern of controlling and manipulative behaviour. These behaviours may not be present at the beginning of a relationship. They may develop over time, masked by flattery and charm.

According to Women’s Safety NSW, coercive control is about exerting power over a victim, undermining their independence and self-worth through fear and intimidation. It can manifest in abusive behaviours like isolation, emotional manipulation, physical or sexual assault, surveillance, humiliation and degradation, and financial control.

In 2020, Women’s Safety NSW conducted a survey of 72 victim-survivors of domestic and family violence, revealing that all had experienced psychological control and manipulation in their relationship.

This year the Australian Institute of Criminology (AIC) surveyed 15,000 women about their experiences of physical or sexual violence and emotionally abusive, harassing and controlling behaviour. Women aged 25 to 34 experienced the highest rate of coercive control in their relationships.

According to a 2021 AIC survey, women aged 25 to 34 experienced the highest rates of coercively controlling behaviour

The partners of 73 percent of women surveyed exhibited jealousy or suspicion in relation to their friends. 67 percent were constantly insulted and made to feel ashamed or were verbally abused and intimidated. In 65 percent of cases, abusive partners monitored the victim’s time and made them account for their whereabouts.

Sadly, just over one third of women who had experienced coercive control sought help.

Demonstrative of how insidious coercive control is, many women did not seek advice or support unless they had also experienced physical or sexual violence.

Anyone can experience coercive control. Here are 12 warning signs to watch out for:

Isolation. A controlling partner will cut off or limit contact with friends of family. They may suggest shared phone or social media accounts, move the victim far away from family, spread lies about the victim to others, monitor phone calls, and convince the victim that their family dislikes them and doesn’t want to talk to them.
Monitoring daily activity. Installation of cameras or recording devices, including in private areas such as the bedroom and bathroom.
Denial of freedom and autonomy. Restriction of movement and independence, including not allowing a victim to go to work or school, restricting access to transportation, stalking, changing passwords on devices and social media accounts.
Gaslighting. The abusive partner must always be right and will force the victim to acknowledge this through manipulation and lies.
Name-calling and put-downs. These are designed to make the victim feel unimportant.
Limiting access to money. Controlling a victim’s finances is a way to prevent them from leaving the relationship. It may include implementing a strict budget, limiting access to bank accounts, hiding money, stopping the victim from getting a credit card, and monitoring spending.
Reinforcing traditional gender roles. An abusive partner will attempt to justify a woman’s role as homemaker and mother, often coercing the victim into doing all of the cleaning, cooking, and childcare.
Weaponising the children. This can include telling children that the victim is a bad parent and belittling them in front of the children.
Controlling health and body. The abusive partner may monitor eating and sleeping routines, require a victim to count calories or adhere to a strict exercise regime. They may control access to medical care and which prescribed medications a victim is allowed to take.
Making jealous accusations. This is a way for a controlling partner to minimise a victim’s contact with others and make them feel guilty.
Regulating sex. Abusers may demand how often they have sex with a victim, demand the victim take sexual photos or videos, or refuse to wear a condom.
Threatening children or pets. This includes threatening to call social services to report neglect or abuse when there is none, threatening to make important decisions related to the children without the victim’s consent, and threatening to kidnap children or get rid of a pet.

Monitoring phone calls and texts and changing passwords on devices are telltale signs of coercive behaviour

Research has shown that victims of coercively controlling behaviour are attacked more frequently than victims of other types of domestic abuse and that coercive control is more likely to persist after separation.

Coercive control also has other negative consequences, beyond the violation of the human rights of women and children. It affects access to housing and employment, impairs the health and development of children, and is costly for women and the economy. In 2015-16, the annual cost of violence against women and children in Australia was estimated to be $22 billion.

The impact of coercive control on women is serious and may lead to injuries and homicide, poor mental health, reproductive health problems, and issues with alcohol and drug use.

Recently, there has been a focus on how Australia can best respond to the issue of coercive control, including calls for it to be criminalised.

Hannah Clarke had a domestic violence order (DVO) in place at the time of her death, after her ex-husband allegedly kidnapped their eldest daughter. He was due to appear in court on charges of breaching the DVO for allegedly assaulting Hannah weeks before he killed her.

But, for Hannah, a DVO wasn’t enough. Indeed, a 2018 national analysis of intimate partner homicides showed that about a quarter of men who killed current or former female partners were the subject of protection orders at the time.

This begs the question, if Australia had existing coercive control laws could Hannah’s life, and the lives of many other women, have been saved by earlier intervention?

At present, Tasmania is the only state that has criminalised aspects of coercive control: economic abuse and emotional abuse or intimidation. Other countries have already criminalised coercive control.

In 2015, the England and Wales became the first countries in the world to created a new criminal offence of ‘coercive and controlling behaviour’ designed to capture behaviour that does not include actual physical abuse. Scotland and Ireland followed suit in 2019, with Scotland seeing more than 400 crimes recorded in the first three months after the law was introduced.

For now, absent the criminalisation of coercive control in Australia, it is important for society to continue having a conversation about it. Child Family Community Australia (CFCA) has produced a webinar about how services can support women and help them respond to their partner’s controlling behaviours.

When having a conversation with a victim-survivor of coercive control it is important to:

Have the conversation in a safe, comfortable space
Ask if the victim is okay and actively listen to what they are saying
Encourage them to seek help if needed and let them know they are supported
Trust that they are the expert when it comes to their situation
Check in with them regularly

Support a victim-survivor of coercive control by initiating a conversation with them in a safe, comfortable space

Getting out of an abusive relationship can be difficult, even more so when there are children involved. But it is possible, with a bit of planning.

This includes maintaining communication with support systems – family, friends – whenever possible, regularly calling a domestic violence service, practicing how to get out safely, and making a safety plan.

There are a number of Australia-wide support services available to assist women subject to coercive control or domestic violence: 1800 RESPECT, Australian Childhood Foundation, LifeLine, Relationships Australia, and WESNET.

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HEALTH

The problem with TikTok and how it’s impacting your teen’s body image

By Maggie Stoner October 12, 2021

Harmful health and fitness advice has the habit of infiltrating social media landscapes, and it looks like TikTok is the newest – and potentially most dangerous – vessel for this advice to run rife.

The average TikTok user spends 52 minutes of their day on the app. That’s over 850 minutes a month, and 18,928 minutes a year. With these statistics in mind, it’s no wonder that TikTok has become the cultural phenomenon it is today – with popularity skyrocketing during the peak of widespread lockdowns, and now garnering approximately 1 billion monthly users – 60% of those belonging to Gen z. Clearly, TikTok has become an indispensable asset in the lives of many children and teens across the globe – but as parents, have you ever questioned the kind of harmful messaging this app could be sending your kids?

At the end of 2019, I opened TikTok for the first time. Periodically opening and closing the app every day, I consumed dance videos, funny skits, ‘daily vlogs’, and other light-hearted content that was inundating my feed. At first it seemed harmless, but it wasn’t until 2020, when plunged into the first of many lockdowns here in Melbourne, that I realised how much TikTok content I was subconsciously absorbing.

Face-to-face with reoccurring bouts of ‘lockdown boredom’, I was continually sucked into the TikTok quicksand of mindless scrolling. I wasn’t alone in this. For 4–15-year-olds, the average scrolling time per day is 80 minutes – a significantly longer chunk of the day than our 52 minutes. Although these statistics may seem shocking, the unlimited stream of consecutive, relatively short videos to scroll through – a 3-minute option only recently introduced – makes extended periods of scrolling much harder to consciously limit.

It’s all in the algorithm.

For a relatively new platform, TikTok has managed to generate a large c ultural standing, carving out a previously unmatched space for mass influence.

The addictiveness of the app – a reason it is so popular – can be partly attributed to its cutting-edge algorithm – highly developed in its ability to shape users’ ‘For You’ pages to their unique ‘level of interest’. Indicators like finishing a video from beginning to end, user location and the types of videos users interact with, all contribute to the personalisation of user feeds. However, when the algorithm is pervasively feeding health advice, regardless of its validity, to impressionable children and teens – without their explicit consent to do so – this personalisation has the potential to turn sinister.

Health and Fitness advice is well established in the social media ecosystem. Beginning in Youtube communities, it eventually bled into Instagram feeds and now more recently, TikTok has taken the reigns.

My growing suspicion towards TikTok didn’t begin until I decided to “get back into fitness” – like many did during lockdown – using TikTok’s search bar to source workout ideas and routines. It was then, that the content on my feed slowly began to change. All of a sudden, whenever I opened the app, I was flooded with videos about different workouts, “how to be in a calorie deficit”, and ‘what I eat in a day’ videos, often perpetuated by slim and toned creators, who often didn’t show a realistic amount of food.

Through looking at a couple of workout videos, I was unknowingly placing my “interest” in the health and fitness category on TikTok, which the algorithm then held onto, and adapted the content it showed me to reflect that. Eventually, the content on my TikTok feed extended beyond the workout ideas that I initially sought out, and onto advice about my diet, things I should or shouldn’t be eating or drinking, and different workouts to give me a particular desired body type. I was overwhelmed.

What’s wrong with health and fitness advice?

Although these types of videos may not strike some users as outrightly harmful, the pervasive nature of diet culture and the fitness industry when fed consistently to impressionable users, has the potential to garner harmful perceptions of body image and obsessive behaviours, far too young.

This largely stems from the widely engrained behaviour, of associating morality with different diets or lifestyles. Chocolate is seen as “bad” or “junk”, vegetables are “good” and “clean”, and going to the gym everyday will make you “better than” someone who does not.

By assigning so much moral value to the foods we choose to eat and exercise we choose to do, the likeliness of guilt when we don’t do these things, is much higher. This moral value is ultimately delineated from the fact that a large part of society continues to subconsciously perpetuate fatphobic narratives and maintain thinness as the gold standard for how a woman should look.

These ideals are further exacerbated on TikTok, due to the feedback economy of the platform, whereby comments and likes denote how videos are generally perceived. A recent example of this was called out by Emma Matthews (@sheismarissamatthewss on TikTok), who concluded that the many comments on TikTok “reinforce thin privilege and fatphobia”. She compared the comments of her ‘what I eat in a day video’ – where she got criticised for eating three eggs and using an “inappropriate amount of olive oil” – to the comments of ‘thin’ creators’ food videos, who were predominantly praised for what they eat – therefore demonstrating how users often idealise and favour those who fit into their preferred body type.

Therefore, if teens and tweens manage to get onto the “side” of TikTok swarmed with health and fitness advice, the persistent messaging of the “perfect” diet and lifestyle, has the potential to generate obsessive or harmful relationships with food and exercise, in an attempt to mirror what they see from their favourite creators.

Amid the more latent presentations of diet culture, although more hidden, are pro-anorexia accounts, particularly dangerous in their encouragement of starvation and extreme restriction around food. It was when one of these videos popped up on my TikTok feed, with the caption “If you ate over 1200 calories today you are fat”, that I recognised the true danger of TikTok’s personalised algorithm. I had never searched for this ‘pro-ana’ content, nor expressed any interest in videos on restrictive eating or diets. But it is accounts like these, despite efforts from TikTok to remove them from the platform, have the potential to be grouped into the health and fitness category, and find their way to the “For You Pages” of teens and tweens.

Body image isn’t a new issue.

Concerns around body image in children and adolescents are already an unfortunately common occurrence, with the Mission Australia 2020 Annual Youth Survey reflecting that 33% of participants saw body image as an area of major concern in their lives. Another survey in 2021 showed that out of 93 students, 45% showed a high level of concern for their body image. It is clear the ubiquity of body image concerns in children and adolescents – an issue that is arguably not improved by the persistent nature of TikTok’s algorithm.

Considering previous research that discovered girls ages 5-8, when simply looking at a Barbie Doll, experienced body dissatisfaction and a desire for thinness, it is important to recognise the capacity for TikTok – and social media in general – to project this bombardment of health and fitness advice onto their audience, without regard for the young and vulnerable nature of the users they are targeting.

If looking at a Barbie doll can cause that much harm, think about what a carefully curated selection of targeted health and fitness videos can do.

How do I talk to my kids about this?

The solution to this doesn’t come with banning your kids from TikTok or confiscating their phones upon hearing this information. Our society is saturated with potentially harmful information around health and fitness, and perpetuations of a thin-ideal – but it is the way that kids perceive this information that defines the harm it can cause.

One way that you can help reinforce positive relationships with health and fitness with your children, is by modelling that positive relationship yourself. Some ways parents can do this are:

Engaging in healthy eating habits yourself: consistently participating in fad diets or outwardly expressing guilt for eating certain foods are behaviours children can pick up on, and implement into their own lifestyles at a later point.
Making meals a positive and communal experience: research has shown that a frequency in family meals can lead to inverse effects of disordered eating, and better psychological outcomes for children.
Teaching kids about critical thinking: by explaining how to practice critical thinking while on social media, it becomes easier for children and teens to recognise the misinformation or unhealthy content that they might be exposed to, and purposely disengage with it. Often, parents are also encouraged to watch TikTok’s with their children, and openly talk about the misrepresentation that they see.

I, like many others, have been exposed to the more sinister side of TikTok health and wellness, but through educating myself and talking to others, I have become aware enough about diet culture and health advice, that I can recognise and ignore misinformation. By navigating TikTok with intention and purpose, seeking out trusted sources and shielding myself from the guilt-shrouded influence of diet culture, I am able to be largely unaffected by the persistent messaging of TikTok’s health and fitness community – and I encourage teens and kids using TikTok to do the same.

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KIDS

Maggie Dent’s secret to 21st Century parenting

By Allyssa Stemitsiotis September 28, 2021

While many parents experience increasing judgement in a digital age, revered parenting expert Maggie Dent assures us that to be a good parent, being perfect is not possible and that mistakes are normal.

Maggie Dent’s newest book, Parental as Anything, an adaption of her popular ABC podcast, is a guide full of anecdotes, practical parenting advice and humour.

Maggie tells us that while there once was a time where parents could not see what everyone else was doing, today’s social media proliferation exacerbates constant comparing, despairing and fixation on the negatives, or what we as parents could be doing better.

Maggie is an author, educator and mother to four boys, but she stresses she was not perfect and “mucked up so many times”.

There will always be days while raising children where mistakes are made, or morale is low.

But Maggie says to “Look at what’s going well at the funny moments, the light moments, the loving moments, rather than focusing the lens on the things we wish we could do better.”

So how can we care for, nurture and still discipline our children in today’s age? Maggie emphasises being “the fun, the firm, the fair,” parent and that children are more likely to agree with parents who are kind and loving. If there is compassion and connection, in moments of discipline, children are increasingly capable of listening.

Maggie tells us that there is a difference between the disciplining of a Lamb and a Rooster.

Lambs have a tendency to be more sensitive or gentle and less likely to push against boundaries, while Roosters are outgoing with the need to be respected and seen as important, eager to argue or push against limits. Power struggles can occur particularly with the Roosters.

Maggie reminds us that patience is important when dealing with heated moments.

A child’s “Number one need is a safe base,” Maggie says.

She outlines that “Tuning in to how they are doing,” is vital. Watching them constantly and recognising their needs in certain situations.

There is a difference between a tantrum as against a meltdown, the former of which springs from an urge to assert a sense of self, and the latter a sensory overload. Tantrums come from outside stimuli (“No you can’t do/have that right now”) while a meltdown occurs when the nervous system has been over-flooded.

“Children are gradually growing in their capacity to manage their world,” Maggie says.

Kids can experience moments of self-struggle, but they will get better with self-regulation and emotional intelligence as they grow up and their pre-frontal lobe matures.

They are not naughty they are just “Not coping with their world right now,” Maggie says, emphasising that compassion and connection are essential.

Maggie addresses when parents wish they had approached certain things differently. She says that parents can always change the ways in which they connect with their children and can always rebuild attachment and love in a new way.

“It is never, ever too late,” she says.

“Every child is a one-off,” she emphasises. There is no exact guide for any one child, but as a parent it is still possible to be the one that knows them the best and aim to help them in their world in any way that they can.

Maggie addresses the dreaded topic of screen time.

She acknowledges that while complete denial is not helpful or realistic, in order to prepare children to live in the digital world; however, it is imperative that online behaviour and technology use are monitored.

“You need to be the pilot of the digital plane,” she says.

She encourages parents to take into account many factors such as:

Hand-held device use
Television viewing and consideration of acceptable advertisements
Rewards systems on video games that can foster gambling traits
Risk taking in real life while behaviour modelling
Video game characteristics entering into the impressionable classroom
Chores still needing to be completed
Outside play with peers in real life
Levels and when to finish
Harmful content

Technology can be used for education, entertainment or even recreational activity. A lot of time and energy will go into raising responsible and respectful digital citizens.

Maggie speaks about sexual education in childhood. She recommends speaking with children about sex and not just in one singular sitting. It should be a continual and constant conversation or ability to ask about this topic.

She underlines topics such as body ownership, permission to touch, basic private anatomy and consent should be discussed at home even before heading off to school. Maggie encourages parents to allow their children to ask questions or come to them if they see something that makes them uncomfortable.

Unwanted online dark or sexual content can be damaging and can set unrealistic standards. Plainly untrue and offensive myths are all over the internet about sex and it is important to be mindful of this as a parent.

“92% of what children learn is based on modelling,” Maggie says.

To finish, Maggie says that nurturing safe respectful and warm relationships at home and between family members is important while nevertheless acknowledging that conflict is normal and communication is key.

Watch the full exclusive interview with Maggie Dent below or on our YouTube channel.

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KIDS

My experience growing up as a fraternal twin and discovering individuality

By Hannah Crane September 24, 2021

My twin sister is my soulmate. Whilst she braved the cold and adventured our snow-covered garden, I curled up under the warmth of blankets absorbed in a good book. Being so different and yet having our lives so intimately entwined has given me a unique sense of individuality.

My twin sister, Alanna, beat me into the world by 20 minutes – 20 minutes that to my Mum, felt like 20 years. Little did we know, we had just begun our vibrant and adventurous life together as twins. Whilst other children spent time learning how to build friendships, I was born with mine.

As babies we shared everything: a small, bright bedroom decorated with exotic animals and a rocking horse, a pram, which we giggled in as we rode over bumpy ground, and a marvelous curiosity for everything we encountered.

As we began to talk and toddle around, I clumsily knocked into things whilst Alanna naturally found her feet. As we learnt to eat new foods, I was reserved, sticking to my favourite cheese sandwiches with Alanna across the table in full excitement, allowing new fruits to tingle on her tongue.

Whilst other children spent time learning how to build friendships, I was born with mine.

Slowly our small, bright bedroom became two larger and very different rooms. My walls were painted a blushing pink with butterflies flying in every direction. Across the hallway, Alanna played in a room of deep purple, surrounded by chestnut horses which galloped across the walls. Despite discovering our own quirks and curiosities, Alanna and I were joined at the hip, in love with spending time together.

Our Mum encouraged our individuality, running back and forth from my ballet classes and Alanna’s horse-riding lessons. We would venture into our own passions and after doing so, fall excitedly onto our old cream sofa to tell each other all about it. It was important to our parents that we learn to build our own identities – something which years on, has helped me to seek out my own life separate from Alanna.

When it comes to fraternal twins, it is vital that loved ones acknowledge and celebrate differences so that each person has a chance to build their own sense of self and not become attached to a joint, twin identity.

Being a fraternal twin is magic; our uniqueness is the very thing that makes us so close. Our difference in appearance is almost as stark as our difference in personality: my hair falls in soft, honey blonde curls that melt onto my shoulders; Alanna’s hair tumbles in rich, dark hues and is always cut short and neat.

Alanna and I were joined at the hip, in love with spending time together.

I was born with hazel eyes that appear green in the sunlight, Alanna with eyes as blue as the Cornish sea. Her skin is dusted with freckles – mine, a blank canvas.

Interestingly, when we visited our grandparents, they attempted to dress us in the same frolicking outfits, despite our intense differences. In school and around friends, we were often referred to as ‘the twins’ or ‘the Cranes’ which was much to our dislike, having always been treated as individuals by our parents. Spending our days, weeks, months and years together meant that naturally, we formed a likeness when it came to sense of humour, little phrases and mannerisms.

It was important to our parents that we learn to build our own identities.

Alanna and I share the same memories, have the same friends and family and have experienced almost every rite of passage together. Being so intimately connected with someone is a unique and extraordinary experience. It is within this deeply personal relationship that I have found my own individuality, and Alanna hers.

As we entered our teenage years and began high school, our differences flourished. We remained close, sitting together at lunchtime with a shared group of close friends, but as the bell echoed throughout the campus, I headed to my favourite English class as she made her way to Biology.

It was at this time that we truly came to grasp our individual character, struggling through the uncertain years of adolescence. Body image became a prevalent point of conversation between us as we noticed our bodies changing in different ways to each other.

We had come to accept that after years of shared experiences and time together, our lives were venturing down two separate pathways.

There were many days that were dull; we felt disconnected and separate from one another, having become even more independent in our self-image and awareness. We had always sought after our own distinct identity, but we remained incredibly close. Our teenage years proved to be complex as we attempted to navigate a new kind of individuality.

At 17, after years of having our own space, we moved into a new home which meant sharing a room together for the first time since we were babies. This became a challenge – a shared space as we attempted to grow into our differences.

I began to explore the avenues of writing and thought ahead to a creative career in the world of publishing; Alanna set her gaze on nursing and midwifery.

I wanted to stay up into the late hours of the night writing and chatting whilst Alanna adored the comfort of her bed and wished to turn the lights out before midnight. More so than ever, we encountered our differences and unlike the many years of our childhood, longed for our own space.

It wasn’t until our final years of high school that we realised the value in our closeness and its ability to enhance our individuality. We had come to accept that after years of shared experiences and time together, our lives were venturing down two separate pathways. Before university began, we gathered our savings and jetted off to Europe for ten incredible weeks.

We combined our interests: my love of literature and history in the museums we visited, Alanna’s passion for the countryside as we strolled along the vast green of England – and of course, to both of our excitement, a colourful indulgence in new foods. We ventured across Europe’s diversity, onto the seductive streets of Paris and balmy terraces of Rome.

We had always sought after our own distinct identity, but we remained incredibly close.

Now, at different universities and studying for our wonderfully different lives, we appreciate our individuality which thanks to our parents, has been fostered from an early age. From shared rooms, prams and toys, being called ‘the twins’ and wild attempts to dress us the same, Alanna and I flourished into two unique people, framed by our experiences together.

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WELLSPRING'S YOUTUBE CHANNEL

Helen Jacobs on Noticing Signs and Connecting with Your Spirit Guides

By OFFSPRING September 22, 2021

Helen Jacobs on Noticing Signs and Connecting with Your Spirit Guides

Helen Jacobs, psychic medium and author of You Already Know, chats with Offspring Magazine and Wellspring editor, Kate Durack, about Life Purpose and ways we can develop our intuition and psychic abilities.

FIND HELEN HERE
Website: https://helenjacobs.co/
Instagram: @helenjacobs.co

To read Offspring’s article about Helen’s work, click here.

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LIFESTYLE

The language of flowers

By Chloe Cant September 21, 2021

When Marilyn Monroe died, her grief-stricken former lover Joe DiMaggio placed a 20-year order for a dozen roses to be placed on her grave three times each week, to symbolise his love.

Red roses mean love, daisies represent innocence, lotus flowers rebirth and gardenias happiness. This is the language of flowers. Flowers have been synonymous with sending messages of love, friendship, and condolences since Victorian times when every household studied their meaning and noted them down in flower dictionaries.

Of course, letters were always an option for Victorians. However, in a time with very strict societal standards about decorum and reputation, that was not always appropriate. It may not have been possible to tell someone your true feelings and so, using bouquets to send messages that could not be said out loud was a common way of communicating.

So, if you would like to become acquainted with this romantic form of communication, here are some of the meanings of flowers below.

1. Lotus Flower

The lotus flower signifies rebirth and new beginnings. This is because the flowers grow out of the mud in swampy areas. Each night, they slowly close and return to the mud, and each morning they bloom again, just as beautiful as ever.

In Greek Mythology, the lotus-eaters were people who lived on an island where lotus flowers were the primary source of food. However, the lotus flowers were a narcotic, and the island’s inhabitants slept their lives away. Whoever visited the island and ate the lotus flowers never returned and spent the rest of their days in slumber.

Today, if we call someone a ‘lotus-eater,’ it means they indulge in luxuries and apathy instead of dealing with practical problems. The Victorians often took inspiration from ancient myths or legends about flowers.

2. Cactus flower

To Victorians these prickly plants surprisingly meant…. Warmth. They do after all grow in the warmest climates.

There are many myths and legends about cactus flowers, including a Native American tale in which a young man being pursued by wild animals asked the gods for help. In response they turned him into a cactus, creating the very first cactus on earth.

3. Acacia

This beautiful bloom symbolises secret love. They are commonly seen growing wild in Australian suburbs, and now you can handpick them to send to someone you’re admiring from afar.

The Acacia flower has also been used for thousands of years for medicinal purposes in African.

4. Ambrosia

For Victorians, this bloom means that love is returned. It is a beautiful way of letting someone know that the feeling is mutual.

In Ancient Greek mythology, the gods drank and ate Ambrosia.

5. Gardenias

These beautifully scented flowers signify an overflow of happiness. Be careful with their delicate petals, as they can brown when touched.

It is common to see these flowers at weddings and in bridal bouquets, not only for their beauty but as an expression of joy.

6. Red Carnation

A red carnation indicates heartbreak. A yellow carnation means disdain and a striped carnation refusal. So…. Heartbreak and bad news all round for carnations despite their beauty.

7. Daffodil

A beautiful splash of cheerful yellow in a bouquet will signify regard and unequaled love. To send these in Victorian times was truly a compliment or a declaration of love.

The English poet William Wordsworth was so moved by the beauty of some daffodils he saw on a walk that he wrote a famous poem about them.

‘’I wandered lonely as a cloud
That floats on high o’er vales and hills,
When all at once I saw a crowd,
A host, of golden daffodils’’

– William Wordsworth.

8. Daisy

It doesn’t seem surprising that daisies signify innocence. However, they have different shades of meaning and in some cases can represent a promise to keep a secret.

A common custom with daisies is to pull the petals off one by one and recite each time, ‘he loves me, he loves me not’ until the last petal gives an answer.

9. Geranium

These represent folly and stupidity so do be careful with these. Despite this, they look beautiful in a bouquet or growing wildly in your garden.

10. Hibiscus

While these blooms might make you yearn for a tropical holiday, they represent a delicate kind of beauty. So, not only are they bold and stunning but highly complementary.

11. Honeysuckle

Represent the bonds of love. Perfect for an anniversary and they smell beautiful. They also look amazing growing wildly along a fence or somewhere in your garden.

12. White Jasmine

Their scent is unmistakable and for many of us they herald the beginning of the Australian spring and summer. However, these beauties mean sweet love and fidelity.

13. Marigold

Marigolds signify grief and jealousy. The shock of colour from their petals sends a strong message.

14. Poppy

A poppy can be sent in consolation. Often, we see them around ANZAC day for this reason. Their meaning of consolation represents solidarity in times of grief.

15. Red rose

Simply, I love you. There is no reading between the lines here.

16. Yellow Rose

Along with other flowers that signify bad news, yellow roses must be top of the list. They signify infidelity and a loss of love.

17. Yellow Tulip

In this case, yellow signifies good news. It means to tell someone that their smile is like sunshine and they are hugely complimentary. Nothing will cheer you up quite like looking at a bouquet of tulips.

18. Tiger Lily

A tiger Lily represents wealth, so gift a bouquet of these to someone you love who is looking for financial growth or an income

19. Magnolia

Signifies a love of nature and a sense of nobility. Their pale faces and dark green leaves give this bloom an elegance that matches their meaning.

20. Iris

Meaning wisdom, trust, and faith, these beautiful blooms carry a lot of meaning as well as being beautiful.

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CELEBRITY

Rising Woman founder shares how she moved from co-dependent to conscious relationships

By Rebecca Frost September 21, 2021

Rising Woman founder Sheleana Aiyana discusses how a spiritual awakening led her on a journey to self-acceptance and how her relationships have evolved along the way.

A conscious couple starts with a conscious individual. This is something that Sheleana Aiyana, founder and visionary of Rising Woman, found out the hard way. After a painful divorce in her early 20s, she was awakened to the traumas in her childhood which contributed to the total breakdown of her relationship. Since then, Sheleana has been committed to her own emotional development so that she can be better serve herself and others. Sheleana is now happily re-married and practises consciousness to make sure it stays that way.

Growing up in and out of foster homes, and without a father-figure present in her life, Sheleana admits that for too long she had no idea what a healthy relationship even looked like, let alone how to be a part of one. This led to a string of interactions with “unsafe partners” before finally letting go of the pain she had long suppressed.

As part of her spiritual transformation, Sheleana initially sought the guidance of a mentor to help resolve her abandonment issues. She was taught how to use inner child, shadow, and ancestral work to reconnect with the damaged parts of herself. Armed with the proper psychological tools, Sheleana was soon able to find peace and reclaim control over her life.

We are each responsible for our own happiness

After spending four years as an apprentice in transpersonal group-work containers and depth psychology, Sheleana now co-facilitates women’s groups and relationship workshops to help get others on the right track. She is trained in imago couples’ facilitation, tantra, couples work, somatic healing, and is even certified as a full-spectrum birth doula.

Her philosophy is that all relationships must start with the self before they can be extended out to include another. It is only after building a strong foundation of self-acceptance that we can bring someone else into our lives. By piecing together the broken parts of ourselves, we come to realise that we were whole all along, and did not need to be completed by anyone else.

This means that we are each responsible for our own happiness in a relationship – and it does not always have to be romantic. Platonic and professional relationships function in very much the same way. This is called being in a “conscious relationship”.

Sheleana explains, “Being conscious in a relationship is not a whole lot different than a conventional relationship other than the fact that we no longer see our partner as somebody who is designed to meet all of our needs.” They are there instead as a “partner in life and as an ally in healing … but also act as our spiritual teacher”.

By recognising a partner as an individual, and by supporting their individuality, it becomes possible to ease the burden of responsibility in a relationship. Sheleana suggests we are each responsible for our own emotional needs. Rather than depending solely on a partner to provide a particular feeling – be it happiness, or love, or a sense of worth – all of this you can (and should) provide for yourself.

But this doesn’t mean to say we shouldn’t expect a partner to provide these feelings for us. Rather, it is our responsibility to ensure our own needs are met before giving to another. This helps liberate couples from the unrealistic expectations held in society that they must ‘complete’ one another.

Sheleana uses an argument with her husband as an example of how to practice consciousness. When he “triggers something in me, that’s my opportunity to bring it in a vulnerable way and to invite him to do a healing process with me, or for me to take space to go and process that in myself.” Whereas in a conventional relationship, “If my husband triggers me then there’s something he did wrong and there’s something he needs to do in order to fix me so that I can feel better”.

A fundamental part of practicing relationship consciousness is to witness your own thoughts and behaviour and try to understand where it comes from. If your reactions are rooted in trauma, then it is important to recognise and reflect on them from another perspective so that they can be unlearnt. This is because unresolved trauma can lead to co-dependent relationships.

A co-dependent relationship is a type of dysfunctional relationship where one person doesn’t have self-sufficiency or autonomy. This often translates to one partner taking advantage of the other and is not good for either.

We’re not responsible for saving other people

The family systems we were exposed to as children taught us how to form and maintain bonds as adults. While some were able to develop healthy attachments to their caretakers, others might have learned co-dependency as a result of emotional or physical neglect. This can lead to attachment and abandonment issues in adult relationships.

Relationship consciousness actively works against co-dependency by dismantling the patterns of caretaking. Co-dependent people learn to put the wants and needs of others ahead of their own and sacrifice their own feelings in order to maintain these relationships. This is especially problematic in cases where the partner is abusive or suffering from an addiction. Independent people, however, know that it is not selfish to prioritise themselves before others.

Sheleana asserts, “We’re not responsible for saving other people.” Rather, “One of the most beautiful gifts we can give people when they are suffering … is to remind them of their own power” and capacity to heal on their own. To withhold this gift would be to withhold the catalyst for change.

It is possible to provide support to others while maintaining strong boundaries with ourselves. Sheleana says, “This isn’t to say that we don’t want to support people if they’re struggling” but that we need to “put our care and our own primary needs at the forefront as well, otherwise we’re just self-abandoning.” While it may seem selfless, it is actually a destructive coping mechanism to fixate on someone else’s problems and disregard your own.

According to Sheleana, “That’s a great way to distract from our own emotions. If I’m so focused on saving someone, I don’t have to think about my own my own trauma or my own feelings of unworthiness”.

By identifying our own boundaries and setting them firmly with others, we choose not to self-abandon. It is important that we stand up for ourselves. For example, “If we have plans and then we just cancel them because somebody that we are romantically interested in is inviting us out on a date and we just ditch all of our friends,” then we are self-abandoning by prioritising someone else.

It is important to determine what red flags to look out for in a relationship. Setting hard lines make it easier to identify and leave toxic behaviour which might have been normalised in the past. But Sheleana stresses the difference between an unhappy relationship and an abusive one. She says, “In our culture we tend to leave a relationship too early because we’re looking for perfection.” While abuse should never be tolerated, continued bickering and arguments might just be a result of poor communication. Sometimes a couple must learn how to emotionally re-connect with each other before walking away.

Speaking of how she entered her current relationship, Sheleana says, “We wrote lists, we revealed our traumas to each other, we shared life stories, we qualified what kind of relationship we wanted to build, what we needed, what we were afraid of, and the things that we still need to work on within ourselves. We sat in front of each other and asked, ‘Are you ready to do this work?’ and we both agreed.” This intensive process allowed them to locate and establish other’s boundaries; they started to become ‘conscious’.

Today, more than a decade has passed since Sheleana began spiritual seeking and she uses her relationship experience and knowledge to help guide others. Her uplifting book, Becoming the One, explores her own journey to self-acceptance and reveals how to transform pain into power.

Watch the full interview below or on our YouTube channel.

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DEVELOPMENT

The unexpected benefits of mindfulness for kids and how to practice through playtime

By Chloe Cant September 16, 2021

Mindfulness is a highly beneficial skill that can be taught to kids by incorporating it into games and activities. Not only will their creativity and sense of fun flourish, but also their social and emotional skills.

We know that mindfulness is good for us in all sorts of ways, but new research is showing that it’s suitable for your kids as well. Getting kids to sit still for long periods can be a mission. Games like Simon Says, Jenga, balancing on one foot, and even Hide and Seek all incorporate elements of concentration and awareness that increase mindfulness.

Games like Puzzles or activities like painting keep you and the kids busy and entertained when at home and help kids learn to calm their minds and bodies. A study by Mindful Schools has shown that it increases their attention and learning skills when children practice mindfulness. Not only that, but it will also improve their emotional and social skills and their sense of resilience.

In addition, studies such as the one carried out by BMC Psychology suggest that when kids practice mindfulness, it positively impacts their development into adulthood. Engaging in mindful play around the house is excellent for your child’s mental health and decreases their chance of developing anxiety or depression later in life.

Here’s how you can begin incorporating mindfulness games into your routine with your kids. These activities are suitable for several age ranges.

1. Yoga for kids

There are several fun ways to do yoga with your kids. Not only will you be getting a quick workout in, but it’s a fantastic way for your kids to engage in not only a fun activity but awareness and concentration.

Some of the best sources for yoga for kids are Cosmic Kids Yoga and Yoga for Kids with Alissa Kepas. Both can be found with a quick YouTube search as well.

Yoga involves paying attention, concentration, group work, and calming and breathing techniques. These kinds of games or activities are ideal for increasing emotional regulation, focus, and engagement.

2. Jenga

You might find yourself getting more carried away with this game than you would expect. If you’ve never played before, the game aims to stack a tower of wooden blocks on top of each other and slowly take one from the bottom or middle of the tower to place on top. The higher and higher the tower gets, the more intense your focus becomes.

Increasing concentration skills can help with improved engagement, which helps at school. Not only that but its teaching problem-solving skills

3. Balancing on one foot

Put your skills to the test with this one too. Again, it sounds simple but requires a great deal of concentration, calmness, and multi-tasking.

The key is to get your child to focus their gaze just below eye level and preferably on one spot. Then, take one leg and rest it on your other leg but above the knee, on the ankle of the opposite foot, or wherever they feel comfortable. Try to maintain a conversation while you’re doing this or even sing a song.

4. Safari

Take your kids on a walk and tell them you are going on a Safari; their goal will be to spot as many birds, bugs, and animals as possible. A way to make this extra fun is to give them an exercise book to list all the animals they see that they can draw or decorate later.

Kids will really need to engage with all their senses and concentrate on this one. It creates a sense of awareness and grounding in the present moment.

5. Spidey – senses

Tap into your child’s obsession with superheroes and tell them they are going to be Spiderman for the afternoon.

Instruct your kids to turn on their “Spidey senses,” or the super-focused senses of smell, sight, hearing, taste, and touch that Spiderman uses to keep tabs on the world around them.

This will encourage them to pause and focus their attention on the present, opening their awareness to the information their senses bring in.

6. Taste Test

Take an assortment of different foods and cut them into bite-sized pieces. Anything your child loves to eat will do – a slice of orange or banana, a teaspoon of peanut butter or a cube of cheese.

Then, blindfold your kids and tell them you are doing a blind taste test game. Even if they guess their favourite foods straight away, prompt them to explain why. For example, was it the texture, smell, or taste that they noticed first?

This will require that they tap into all their sense and truly think about the sensation of eating mindfully.

7. Eye Spy

Car rides can make us all feel cooped up or irritable at times. One way to overcome this is by playing eye-spy.

If you have not played before, someone picks something they can see out the window and tells everyone else only the first letter of its name but keeps the rest a secret. So, everyone else will have to concentrate very hard on the outside world to guess correctly what the other person spies.

Once your child has picked their item, they will say ‘I spy with my little eye, something starting with ‘L’…’, And then the guessing begins.

This is an excellent game for focus and concentration and makes the minutes of a car ride fly by as well.

Games like these incorporate concentration, patience, mental clarity, and problem-solving skills that are invaluable life skills to foster in children. Encouraging kids to engage with their senses, creativity helps provide them with the kindness and confidence to tackle the world.

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PARENTING

Ambiguous loss: dealing with the loss of a child who is transitioning gender

By Paul McClure September 16, 2021

It’s normal to experience grief when a child comes out as transgender. Here’s some ways that parents can navigate the process.

Ambiguous loss is the grief parents feel when they lose a transgender child to the process of transitioning. It’s called ‘ambiguous’ because it is not the concrete, tangible loss that follows the physical death of a child. For that reason, ambiguous loss may leave parents with feelings of unresolved grief.

Grief and loss are natural feelings when confronted with a child’s transgender identity because it shatters traditional images of gender. What it means to be a man or woman, girl or boy, informs much of our behaviour. This is especially true in family relationships, where roles are based on a set of pre-determined expectations for how we are supposed to act.

How a parent responds to their child’s transgender identity is critical to whether the transitioning experience is a positive or negative one.

How a parent responds to their child’s transgender identity is critical to whether the transitioning experience is a positive or negative one. It is essential that parents reframe the way they feel about their child’s transitioning, from regret and sadness to excitement about what the future holds.

The process of transitioning often challenges parents’ traditional gender role stereotypes

It’s essential because transgender and gender diverse people experience incredibly high rates of mental health issues. LGBTIQ+ Health Australia’s April 2021 report provides some alarming statistics. Of 14 to 25-year-olds surveyed, 48% had attempted suicide, 79% had self-harmed, 74% were diagnosed with depression and 72% with anxiety. A staggering 90% of transgender people aged 14 to 21 reported high or very high levels of psychological distress.

Given these statistics, it’s clear that for transgender children family support can be the difference between life and death. This is supported by research which shows that gender-affirming behaviour by family members has a hugely positive impact on mental health.

Gender-affirming behaviour by family members has a hugely positive impact on mental health.

Parents act as models to their children, based on socially and culturally constructed gender roles. Before a child is born, parents have started planning the child’s future and, usually, it’s gendered. So, having an emotional response to such a big event as a child telling their parents they’re transgender is normal. It is reasonable for parents to grieve the loss of an imagined future.

Embracing a child’s nominated gender has a hugely positive impact on their mental wellbeing

A 2020 study looked at whether parents had an emotional experience, like mourning, to their child’s transition. It was found that parents’ reactions followed the typical grief response. Not understanding what their child was going through led parents to experience feelings of denial, fear, anger, and powerlessness.

What the study revealed was that parents who best overcame their grief had a support system in place. Involvement in transgender advocacy groups reinforced the fact that, despite being transgender, their child was the same child they’ve always known. Importantly, realising their child was happy with their chosen gender had a positive impact on parental resilience when dealing with the transition process.

Research shows that children who come out as transgender already have a strong sense of their identity … They know who they are because they’ve always felt like that.

Research shows that children who come out as transgender already have a strong sense of their identity, usually from a very early age. They know who they are because they’ve always felt like that. It is important that parents understand that children change their gender to fit their identity, their identity doesn’t change because their gender does.

A child’s identity does not change just because their gender does

While there may be things that parents had planned to do with their child that they can no longer do, they will discover many new and different ways to bond with and love their child such as joining their experimentation with new clothing, helping them choose a new name or pronouns.

It is possible to remain loving and supportive while simultaneously experiencing loss, sadness, fear and confusion. Working through these feelings takes time. Just as a child needs compassion and support to navigate the transitioning process, so do parents.

Here are some ways parents can support themselves and their transgender child:

Don’t give in to fear. Fear can cause parents to push back or reject their child. This fear is underpinned by love, driven by a concern that the world is a harsh place for transgender people. Make sure the child knows they’re loved and supported.
Encourage exploration. Gender exploration is a normal part of a child’s development. Give children the freedom to explore their emotions about gender before they consider a permanent change.
Education is key. Get familiar with the information that is out there about gender expression. There are a lot of online resources available, such as Transcend, QLife, Rainbow Door, queerspace, and Transgender Victoria (TGV).
Create a safe space. Transitioning takes a long time and can be difficult. Encourage the child to openly discuss their feelings so they feel safe and protected as they transition.
Families need to transition, too. Each family member must shift their thinking and understanding. Take the time to process these thoughts and any feelings of loss.
Seek help. Ensure access to a team of medical and mental health experts. Identify allies at school, so the child knows where to go for support if they are bullied or excluded.

Yes, having a trans child means questioning personal views on gender. And, yes, it usually involves a lot of – sometimes uncomfortable – discussions with friends, relatives and complete strangers about the process of transitioning and what it involves. These conversations can evoke strong feelings in others that parents should be prepared for.

While the world might not always be understanding, parents can be.

But, while the world might not always be understanding, parents can be. A child might wear different clothes and go by a different name, but they’re still the person you know and love.

An understanding parent makes a world of difference to a transgender child

It’s important to remember that a parent’s grief and loss is theirs, not their child’s. Accept these feelings for what they are: natural and normal reactions. Parents need to work with their feelings, not against them.

At the same time, parents need to support, comfort, and maintain an open dialogue with their transgender child as they work through the process together. Recognise their child’s bravery and show gratitude. Parent and child will be so much the better for it.

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WELLSPRING

Finding our life’s purpose with the help of spirit guides

By Kelsey Kropf September 15, 2021

Spirits and signs, how do they shape your life? Psychic Helen Jacobs shares ways we can connect with our spirit guides, notice the signs and find our life’s purpose.

Helen Jacobs, psychic and author of You Already Know – a comprehensive guide to spirituality – chats with Wellspring editor, Kate Durack, discussing a framework for living more intuitively in order to see your path clearly.

Before she practised as a psychic medium, Helen was a successful PR executive. Upon the advice of her spirit guides, she was able to make this change. Helen suggests that everyone should connect with their own spirit guides to give direction to your life’s path.

A busy mum of two, Helen transformed her life’s outlook, staying grounded but believing that her spirit reaches beyond her roots. She knows the challenges life brings and taps into her psychic senses to let spirits guide her, inviting and urging others to do the same.

Spirit guides

Helen began her journey with guides in 2001 after a spirit visitation from her Aunty. After this, she began to really connect with her inner and higher guidance.

Helen has relied on spirit guides to help her through many life decisions. After studying business and journalism, Helen realised the importance of communication. However, only later and likely due to her self-proclaimed naturally curious manner, did she realise how important spirit communication is, and how it would change her life.

Helen suggests that guiding spirits are present to be called on at various times, whether that be a transitional period such as becoming a parent or other challenges in life. She knows that every life has a purpose and urges others to realise they are here for a reason, and you will be guided towards this if you use those around you.

Everyone has at least one spirit guide, who is assigned to them for the entirety of this particular lifetime.

Instead of just one spirit guide, Helen posits that everyone has access to a spiritual support team, likened to a board of advisors in a business where each spiritual guide plays a different role. According to Helen, spirit guides do not possess a physical body and knowing they are present is not the same as sensing when someone is in the same room as you.

Their energy can be as close to us as we wish to invite it in.

Use the ‘psychic senses’

Helen believes that everyone has psychic senses in the same way that we have the physical ones of taste, sight, smell, etc., but in a metaphysical sense.

The way that spirit is going to communicate with us is not necessarily through our physical senses, but the metaphysical.

Do the hairs on the back of your arms often stand up? Helen suggests events like this are signals that there is a lot of energy around. When you get dizzy, she likens this to a spirit being present as energy moves in circles, making you feel as though the world is spinning.

There are so many clues that our body is giving us that someone non-physical is trying to get our attention.

Colours, animals, numbers are also symbolic and can be relaying messages from the spirits around us, says Helen. Most of the time we are not even paying attention to the clues that indicate that spirits are trying to grasp our attention, she continues.

Through our intuition we can sense, we can feel that the energy in the room shifts, Helen says.

She believes in not hiding your truth and following these hunches.

Look backwards

Intuition plays a big role in how one expands and challenges themselves. Helen believes that everyone has a path, but this is not necessarily set in stone. Instead, listen and follow the signs around you to do what will ultimately benefit you. This intuition, she says, will help you navigate through your life’s journey.

Life will present us signposts with choices of directions and our job is to figure out, by using out intuition, which one of those directions we want to go in.

To determine what has shaped your life, Helen suggests looking at things that have shaped your life experience, as they will help inform you about how you have gotten where you are, and importantly what you will do next.

Looking backwards is one of the best ways to realise what your signposts look like.

Helen warns against getting caught up in fear-based thinking, as despite its intention to keep you safe, it might make you retreat or hide from what is presented in front of you. Instead, she encourages us to follow our intuition despite this not always being easy. In doing so, she hopes, you will be guided on your journey by the signs around you that you might be missing.

Ask for a sign

Once you start looking for signs, Helen says, you will find them. Then, she believes, you will be able to see how much life is working for you. Don’t be so specific, Helen warns. For example, if you want to quit your job and ask for a yellow car to drive past as a sign, you might be waiting a while. Spirit guides can do a lot, she says, but “maybe not that.”

There is real magic in watching how the signs come to you, and what the signs are that come to us.

Helen suggests taking a step back and becoming an observer in your own life, so that you can notice what has shaped your life’s journey and start to see this “serendipitous, synchronistic life” that we are a part of.

Be present

Don’t spend too much time wondering what you purpose is, Helen urges. “Each and every moment is of purpose,” she claims, and “if there are millions of moments in a lifetime, you have already offered so much.”

Life purpose is a moot point because you don’t know what the purpose is until your life is almost is complete.

She ends the interview with an important message, reminding us to trust your intuition and its guidance.

You know more than you think you do, and when you trust yourself, your whole world can change.

Watch the full interview below or on our YouTube channel.

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Helen Jacobs on Noticing Signs and Connecting with Your Spirit Guides

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Rising Woman founder shares how she moved from co-dependent to conscious relationships

The unexpected benefits of mindfulness for kids and how to practice through playtime

Mindfulness is a highly beneficial skill that can be taught to kids by incorporating it into games and activities. Not only will their creativity and sense of fun flourish, but also their social and emotional skills.

Ambiguous loss: dealing with the loss of a child who is transitioning gender

It’s normal to experience grief when a child comes out as transgender. Here’s some ways that parents can navigate the process.

Finding our life’s purpose with the help of spirit guides

Spirits and signs, how do they shape your life? Psychic Helen Jacobs shares ways we can connect with our spirit guides, notice the signs and find our life’s purpose.

Spirit guides

Use the ‘psychic senses’

Look backwards

Ask for a sign

Be present