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Hannah Crane

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EDUCATION

Parenting in the digital age: education vs censure

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In a world dominated by technology, it is inevitable that children will interact with and become a part of the digital space. Whilst there is a plethora of safety issues that accompany online interaction, employing education over censure communicates the benefits of technology and enhances children’s digital literacy. 

When it comes to digital security, it is vital that we ensure children are educated so that they may interact with the online world in a safe way.  Equipped with the right information, parents can take responsibility for their child’s safety and encourage  digital well-being.

Daniel Bowen, Technology Strategist in the Education Department at Microsoft, provides us with the skills we need to keep children safe online.

From his time working for the Child Exploitation and Online Protection Centre in the UK and with the Australian Federal Police on their ThinkUKnow programme, Daniel shares professional insight and valuable tips for parents.

According to research conducted by the Australian Institute of Family Studies in 2015, most Australian children spend more than two hours a day behind screens.

Between the ages of 12 and 13, kids average more than three hours of screen time per weekday, meaning that 30% of their time awake is spent using technology.

With these figures only increasing, children’s exposure to the online world, whether it be through phones, laptops, iPads, or other devices, is inevitable and fast-growing.

The most prominent digital safety concerns are often placed in the background, with darker apprehensions such as grooming at the forefront of parents’ minds.

Whilst the seriousness of these issues needs to be acknowledged, Dan highlights that they are not as frequent as other digital safety problems.

He places an emphasis on cyberbullying, video and image sharing, identity theft and financial fraud.

It is inevitable that children are exposed to technology, whether it be at school, with their friends or in their home environment.

Jocelyn Brewer, registered psychologist and founder of Digital Nutrition, has created an organisation dedicated to guiding people towards healthy technology habits.

Dan is supportive of Brewer’s efforts, describing it as, “a healthier angle to talk about digital safety. We must remain positive as technology becomes an integral part of our children’s lives.”

From his own personal experience as a dad of three, Dan shares his go-to when it comes to keeping his kids safe online:

“I have always believed in open communications over censure. I do monitor my kid’s devices; their PC’s and XBOX’s are connected to Microsoft Family Safety so I can see their online behaviour and receive weekly emails that aggregate their game time, internet use, and applications used on their laptops.

“I also have parental controls set on their Apple iPhones an iPads so have control of that ecosystem too. Things are not limited too much but offer me information so I can have conversations about their usage and heathy habits.

“I present a lot to school parents and use the resources heavily. You can even request a session for free at your local school on their site run by the AFP and industry representatives.”

Be open with children and have regular conversations with them about safety.

When approaching children about digital safety, it is important to consider different methods of communication based on their age bracket.

4–7-year-old

Talk about friendships and explore technology together. Ensure parental controls are set. Supervise your child while they are online.

Be non-judgemental and explain that you would never blame them for anything that might happen online. Initiate conversations about online safety and what bothers them, what makes them worried or scared. Make sure they can talk to adults who they trust.

8–10-year-olds

Begin to talk about privacy and keeping information private online. Express the importance of not sharing photos and personal information online.

Talk to them about the apps they are using such as TikTok and Roblox and issues surrounding connecting with friends on XBOX and PlayStation. Be knowledgeable about their activity by checking their usage and apps. Ensure parental controls are set.

11–13-year-old

At this stage children will start to lock devices and not let you see the content and messages. Make sure parental controls are set and be firm about the usage of the devices.

Start communicate about identity theft and maintaining strong  online security such as passwords, online connections and friendships. Children are vulnerable at this age as they think they know more about the apps and technology they are using but remember you are the parent.

14 and older

Focus on online digital footprints. Communicate key issues that arise around this age group such as livestreaming, gaming, pornography, online sexual abuse (webcam and images), sexual grooming and online dating. Remember to always ensure your children have a  trusted adult who they are comfortable talking with. Communication is the key.

If things go wrong or there are any issues, your children need to know it is safe to talk to you.

Top digital safety tips for parents 

Education over Censure

Be open with children and have regular conversations with them about safety. Kids have a knack of evading restrictions which can often lead to them being exposed to things they shouldn’t have access to at certain ages.

Treat technology with equal importance to other safety issues; educate kids about the multiplicity of dangers, from malware and viruses to online contact and sharing personal information.

Supervision and Parental Controls

If possible, always set up your child’s device for them. Do not leave this responsibility to them. This will allow you to manage payments, enable screen time limits and restrict their online behaviour across Windows, XBOX, PlayStation and mobile devices.

Information on ways to secure the following technology:

Learn to use and secure your home network

 The Wi-Fi router in your home is your friend. Change the admin password so that it is secure.

This is a great way of managing the time your kids spend on their devices; not many people know that the Wi-Fi allows you to lock out devices from the internet.

Be open and approachable if your child needs help

If things go wrong or there are any issues, your children need to know it is safe to talk to you. When kids become targets of online grooming, for example, they may feel as though they cannot tell anyone, and the result can be catastrophic.

 

 

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MUMS

Navigating the dating world as a single parent

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Rachel, a 46-year-old single mum of three, offers intimate insight into the highs and lows of dating after 20 years of marriage.

After divorcing her husband of 20 years, Rachel decided to adventure into the chaotic and thrilling world of dating, looking to meet someone to enjoy her time with. Sparing no details, she shares her experiences of finding a new partner, giving us the nitty-gritty of dating as a single mum.

Will I have time to go out and meet new people? How will I find someone that accepts me and my kids? Am I still attractive as a single parent? Can I dare show my body after having children? How will I know if it’s safe to bring a new partner into my children’s lives?

With three children to consider, Rachel felt swamped with concerns about how she would manage dating again.

According to 2021 statistics, a whopping one million families (14.2%) are single parent families, with single mothers comprising 79.3%. With a million single parents nationwide, there are a lot Aussies who may be thinking of braving the dating scene.

Rachel found that at this stage in her life, most of her friends were in long-term relationships, making it difficult to meet a huge pool of single people offline. She notes, “I couldn’t take any risks with my family and I didn’t know any single people – I couldn’t go out a lot, because of the kids.”

People are increasingly turning to online platforms to meet new people. While myths and stigma surround online dating, Rachel became curious and created a profile, hoping to gain her own experience of virtual connection.

She began exploring the free platforms, talking to people throughout the busyness of her days at work and with her children. To Rachel, the online dating world became “a minefield – a whole new area that I had to navigate.”

Being concrete in her search, she quickly moved onto paid platforms, hoping that people willing to financially invest in dating would be more serious.

On the free sites, she described meaningless, shallow conversations and people seeking quick thrills and gratification.

 

It was empowering to know that if they weren’t right for me, I had the confidence not to just clutch onto anybody. I had the power to decide whether I wanted to pursue anything.

As well as time, low self-esteem and confidence were influential in her decision to remain online. Rachel reflects on these feelings:

“Because I had such low self-esteem and confidence, it almost felt like a safe way of moving forward – you could hide behind the computer, you weren’t rocking up to a bar where somebody could see all of you. Part of me thought if I can be witty and funny, perhaps into the future they might see past my body.”

These concerns prompted her honesty, “I purposely chose a very real profile picture because I didn’t want to put myself in a position where I met up with someone and wasn’t good enough.”

Rachel recalls tumbling into a stage of over-purchasing high heels, body brushing and living on steamed fish as ways of coping with this newfound pressure.

She shares, “I was really enjoying the thrill of it, but as soon as I had to go and meet them, I began to over-analyse all of my imperfections. I was so insecure with my body image and baggage from my previous relationship. I felt I was ready to date, but I doubted I’d have anything exciting or interesting to say and I thought no one would find me attractive.”

After a spanning diversity of dates, from getting terribly sunburnt with a personal trainer at the beach to an intimate dinner with a much older man, Rachel felt her confidence build.

“It was empowering to know that if they weren’t right for me, I had the confidence not to clutch onto anybody. I had the power to decide whether I wanted to pursue anything.”

She reflects on her date with Johnathon, who she was initially very interested in:

“He was funny and really cheeky. I hadn’t put a height restriction on the dating app…when we finally met, he was so tiny! He was smaller than me. I tried to think openly and out of the box, I didn’t want to be shallow – just go with it.

We went to a Japanese restaurant and then later to a bar. I wasn’t attracted to him in the slightest, but I made myself kiss him, just to see if I could spark anything. I got in my car and felt totally deflated. All the way home he kept texting me saying that he wanted to see me again, but I knew I didn’t want to. He was very full on and I just had to tell him that he wasn’t right for me.”

Go with it, it might not be what you’re expecting, but who knows where you’re going to go. It’s like an adventure.

It wasn’t until she met her current partner, Dan, that Rachel found all the qualities she had been looking for. Many hours of cocktails and good conversation sparked the beginning of their relationship.

“I though fuck it, expectation is a bitch – why say, oh I only want a six-foot man with a gorgeous body? Go with it, it might not be what you’re expecting, but who knows where you’re going to go. It’s like an adventure.”

Finding out that Dan also had three kids at home meant navigating both of their children’s acceptance of a new partner.

Ultimately, there are genuine people out there who want the same thing as you.

Rachel explains that the process was gradual and expresses the importance of not placing any pressure on her children to meet her new partner until they felt ready. The same approach was used when being welcomed into Dan’s family home:

“When I met the kids, I was introduced as a friend and then gradually over time, when everyone felt comfortable with me being there, Dan told them I was his girlfriend.”

Whilst building a new relationship with children is complex, Rachel concludes that, “If you’re with the right person and they want a relationship then they are going to understand the intricacies of family life and accept that it takes as long as it takes to allow somebody to come into your home.”

Four years later, Rachel and Dan are in a thriving, vibrant relationship and have become a positive part of both their children’s lives. Despite the anxieties and doubts of stepping back into dating after a long marriage, Rachel looks back and laughs at her huge collection of high heels, dreadful sunburn, and diverse dating experiences, glad that she had the courage to dive back in and go for it.

“You’ve got to do something different to get something different and ultimately, there are genuine people out there who want the same thing as you.”

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KIDS

My experience growing up as a fraternal twin and discovering individuality

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My twin sister is my soulmate. Whilst she braved the cold and adventured our snow-covered garden, I curled up under the warmth of blankets absorbed in a good book. Being so different and yet having our lives so intimately entwined has given me a unique sense of individuality.

My twin sister, Alanna, beat me into the world by 20 minutes – 20 minutes that to my Mum, felt like 20 years. Little did we know, we had just begun our vibrant and adventurous life together as twins. Whilst other children spent time learning how to build friendships, I was born with mine.

As babies we shared everything: a small, bright bedroom decorated with exotic animals and a rocking horse, a pram, which we giggled in as we rode over bumpy ground, and a marvelous curiosity for everything we encountered.

As we began to talk and toddle around, I clumsily knocked into things whilst Alanna naturally found her feet. As we learnt to eat new foods, I was reserved, sticking to my favourite cheese sandwiches with Alanna across the table in full excitement, allowing new fruits to tingle on her tongue.

Whilst other children spent time learning how to build friendships, I was born with mine.

Slowly our small, bright bedroom became two larger and very different rooms. My walls were painted a blushing pink with butterflies flying in every direction. Across the hallway, Alanna played in a room of deep purple, surrounded by chestnut horses which galloped across the walls. Despite discovering our own quirks and curiosities, Alanna and I were joined at the hip, in love with spending time together.

Our Mum encouraged our individuality, running back and forth from my ballet classes and Alanna’s horse-riding lessons. We would venture into our own passions and after doing so, fall excitedly onto our old cream sofa to tell each other all about it. It was important to our parents that we learn to build our own identities – something which years on, has helped me to seek out my own life separate from Alanna.

When it comes to fraternal twins, it is vital that loved ones acknowledge and celebrate differences so that each person has a chance to build their own sense of self and not become attached to a joint, twin identity.

Being a fraternal twin is magic; our uniqueness is the very thing that makes us so close. Our difference in appearance is almost as stark as our difference in personality: my hair falls in soft, honey blonde curls that melt onto my shoulders; Alanna’s hair tumbles in rich, dark hues and is always cut short and neat.

Alanna and I were joined at the hip, in love with spending time together.

I was born with hazel eyes that appear green in the sunlight, Alanna with eyes as blue as the Cornish sea. Her skin is dusted with freckles – mine, a blank canvas.

Interestingly, when we visited our grandparents, they attempted to dress us in the same frolicking outfits, despite our intense differences. In school and around friends, we were often referred to as ‘the twins’ or ‘the Cranes’ which was much to our dislike, having always been treated as individuals by our parents. Spending our days, weeks, months and years together meant that naturally, we formed a likeness when it came to sense of humour, little phrases and mannerisms.

It was important to our parents that we learn to build our own identities. 

Alanna and I share the same memories, have the same friends and family and have experienced almost every rite of passage together. Being so intimately connected with someone is a unique and extraordinary experience. It is within this deeply personal relationship that I have found my own individuality, and Alanna hers.

As we entered our teenage years and began high school, our differences flourished. We remained close, sitting together at lunchtime with a shared group of close friends, but as the bell echoed throughout the campus, I headed to my favourite English class as she made her way to Biology.

It was at this time that we truly came to grasp our individual character, struggling through the uncertain years of adolescence. Body image became a prevalent point of conversation between us as we noticed our bodies changing in different ways to each other.

We had come to accept that after years of shared experiences and time together, our lives were venturing down two separate pathways.

There were many days that were dull; we felt disconnected and separate from one another, having become even more independent in our self-image and awareness. We had always sought after our own distinct identity, but we remained incredibly close. Our teenage years proved to be complex as we attempted to navigate a new kind of individuality.

At 17, after years of having our own space, we moved into a new home which meant sharing a room together for the first time since we were babies. This became a challenge – a shared space as we attempted to grow into our differences.

I began to explore the avenues of writing and thought ahead to a creative career in the world of publishing; Alanna set her gaze on nursing and midwifery.

I wanted to stay up into the late hours of the night writing and chatting whilst Alanna adored the comfort of her bed and wished to turn the lights out before midnight. More so than ever, we encountered our differences and unlike the many years of our childhood, longed for our own space.

It wasn’t until our final years of high school that we realised the value in our closeness and its ability to enhance our individuality. We had come to accept that after years of shared experiences and time together, our lives were venturing down two separate pathways. Before university began, we gathered our savings and jetted off to Europe for ten incredible weeks.

We combined our interests: my love of literature and history in the museums we visited, Alanna’s passion for the countryside as we strolled along the vast green of England – and of course, to both of our excitement, a colourful indulgence in new foods. We ventured across Europe’s diversity, onto the seductive streets of Paris and balmy terraces of Rome.

We had always sought after our own distinct identity, but we remained incredibly close.

Now, at different universities and studying for our wonderfully different lives, we appreciate our individuality which thanks to our parents, has been fostered from an early age. From shared rooms, prams and toys, being called ‘the twins’ and wild attempts to dress us the same, Alanna and I flourished into two unique people, framed by our experiences together.

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