Author

Monique Kristie

Browsing

The importance of music in children’s lives begins well before they start playing with the xylophones at kinder. Music has an impact on a baby’s development before they are even born, and can impact their development in the first years of their lives.

 

Impact on the brain

In a series of musical play sessions undertaken by a Washington Education study, a group of nine-month-old babies recorded having improved brain processing of both music and new speech sounds in the weeks after the experiment. This and other studies have found that there is a strong link in the human brain between rhythmic patterns that we hear in music and the rhythmic patterns in speech – regardless of the language being spoken.

Listening to music primes the cognitive processes in the brain to listen carefully and imitate parents’ speech, copying rhythmic patterns as well as sounds even before the linguistic meaning of individual words is learnt.

Postdoctoral researcher and lead author, Christina Zhao, states that interaction with music and musical experiences from an early age has a greater overall impact on the cognitive skills of babies. Within one week, babies who listen to music from an early age can sense disruptions in musical patterns. Studies where babies’ brains have been monitored while music is being played have shown that when a song or a line of speech is disrupted either in rhythm or flow, babies who have listened to music from birth can detect this disruption.

Studies from the Institute of Learning and Brain Sciences have revealed that the auditory and prefrontal cortexes of the brains of babies who have listened to music look physically different and are more developed than those of other children of the same age. These two regions of the brain are responsible for processing music as well as speech.

 

Playing versus listening

While listening is one major aspect of the overall impact of music, playing music takes everything one step further. Playing musical instruments, even if it is simply your infant making noise on a toy drum, has a profound effect on the brain regardless of age. For babies, playing with a musical instrument requires them to use and further develop their fine motor skills, encourages linguistic and mathematical precision when it comes to rhythms on the instrument, and most importantly encourages creativity through experimenting with sounds.

Playing music is a unique activity for children, teenagers and adults alike as it uses multiple areas of the brain all at once. It is one of the only activities that stimulates a multitude of areas in the brain simultaneously. In babies, music stimulates the formation of brain chemicals that we receive when we listen to music – dopamine and oxytocin. Both of these chemicals are the foundations for encouraging sharing, trust and empathy.

Child playing piano

Social and emotional development in babies is also increased through music listening and playing, with reduction in stress levels, improvement in moods, and mood management through listening to sad and happy songs.

 

What kind of music?

All music helps to stimulate the faculties, but classical music has a particularly strong effect on infants and unborn babies. Referred to as “The Mozart Effect”, playing classical music by Mozart while babies are in the womb has shown to have lasting effects on them after they are born.

Classical music is itself more musically complicated than most standard radio pop or country songs. It therefore takes a lot more brain activity in both infants and adults (but particularly infants) to process the complexity of what they are hearing when they listen to classical music. Introducing your children to playlists of soft Mozart or classical music (link to playlists on Spotify? Or a recommendation that I write out? Barbie Nutcracker, Swan Lake, etc. examples?) is a good way to start the listening process even while they are in the womb. After they are born, soft classical music has been shown to improve sleep quality by relaxing babies, as well as the added benefits to cognitive function and speech acquisition.

A recent experiment where foetuses were played 70 hours of music in the last week of pregnancy showed that these children had better motor and linguistic development by six months old than children who had had no musical stimulus.

Introducing your baby to music is an experience that has long lasting effects on your child’s development as they grow older. It’s an easy way to assist them in brain development, and one that you can participate in too as a parent by joining in on the listening, singing, dancing, and playing with musical instruments together.

 

 

 

 

Recent years have seen an increase in the number of women freezing their eggs for future use, establishing a trend that can be seen across every state in Australia. Over this time clinics themselves have also made information regarding the processes behind egg freezing and IVF more accessible to the wider general public.

In the two years from 2016 to 2018, national Australian IVF clinics have seen a 48% increase in the number of women freezing their eggs. This incredible increase of nearly double that of previous years has been the result of a number of social and economic factors, as well as the increasing knowledge of the methods behind the process of freezing eggs.

What is egg-freezing?

Originally, freezing eggs was an option available for oncology patients who were about to undergo cancer treatment, designed to protect their chances of fertility in the future. However, over the last 20 years there has been an increased interest in egg freezing by the general population. Treatment is now available to anyone, regardless of health conditions or potential future fertility problems. As women have a finite number of eggs, which decreases dramatically after the age of 40, egg freezing has become popular for those choosing to start families later.

Frozen eggs can be stored for many years; in some cases, a pregnancy has even occurred after the eggs have been frozen for 14 years.  When women are ready to use frozen eggs, the eggs are warmed, fertilised with sperm and then if an embryo develops it will be transferred to the woman’s uterus through IVF processes.

Why are so many women considering freezing their eggs?

In times gone by, the majority of women were married and had started a family by their twenties, with only 23% of the female population in 1991 having their first child over the age of 30. This figure has since increased to 48% by 2016. While the prime fertility age for most women being on average between the ages of 20 and 35, some women are not ready to become mothers at this age.

There are a number of reasons for this. Some women have not met the right person who they would like to start a family with, others have chosen to focus on careers and establish themselves in businesses which (depending on the individual) they feel leaves them little time for both dating and motherhood. Other women who would consider having children may have experienced a change in relationship status or the ending of a long-term relationship, and are re-assessing when they will meet someone new who they might want to have children with.

The process of freezing eggs

Women undergo a self-administered hormonal stimulation for 10 to 12 days which enables 6 to 15 eggs to mature. Stimulation comes in the form of an injection which can be done at home after instruction from the clinic. The only currently known side effect from the stimulation is cases of mild bloating.

The eggs themselves are then collected from the ovaries using a probe guided by ultrasound. This part of the procedure is carried out under light-to-general anaesthetic, with the patient usually allowed to go home one to two hours afterwards.

Once the eggs are in the laboratory, they are frozen through a procedure called vitrification. Vitrification involves the rapid freezing and extraction of all fluids to prevent damaging ice forming on the eggs. Once this is completed, the eggs can be stored for many years.

 

Pregnancy rate after freezing

Success depends on the quality of the egg at the time of freezing. The health of eggs can be negatively affected by:

  • Age and individual genetic makeup.
  • Smoking, poor diet and obesity.
  • Chronic medical conditions (including diabetes and high blood pressure).

On average, for every 10 to 15 eggs that are frozen by someone under the age of 35, 1 pregnancy could be expected. For women 35 years old and under, 1 stimulation cycle (collection of 12-15 eggs) will produce between seven and nine eggs suitable for freezing and storage

  • Approximately 80-90% of these eggs survive the warming process.
  • Approximately 50-80% of those surviving eggs would fertilise.
  • Approximately 80-90% of fertilised eggs develop into an embryo.
  • 1 single embryo has a 20-30% chance of developing into a pregnancy.

A simple blood test can be done when a woman is in her thirties to assess her fertility before undergoing egg freezing. However, IVF Australia reminds us, don’t leave it too late!

Financial Costs

Medicare and other government subsidies are available, but they will only pay for fertility treatment when there is a medical indication. Individual cycle costs vary according to circumstance as well as clinics across the country.

Mahsa Fatantoni of NewsDaily did an investigation into the costs of the procedure in 2018. Her figures indicate the following:

  • Between 2016 and 2018 there was a 48% increase in the number of women freezing their eggs.
  • In Melbourne clinics their patient numbers doubled in the space of two years.
  • IVF Australia in 2018 cost $6885 per cycle of freezing.
    • This did not cover the cost of the hormonal stimulation which can run into the $1000s.
    • There is an additional $500 per year storage cost for the eggs
    • The cost for thawing, fertilising and transplanting the eggs (IVF) is $3650.

These figures vary from clinic to clinic, with Melbourne IVF costing nearly $2000 more for the egg cycle than IVF Australia, but with a lower per year storage cost.

 

IVF Australia’s medical director, Associate Professor Peter Illingworth, says,

If women wish to freeze their eggs, they should regard it as a backup and not as the main plan.”

Dr Rozen of the Royal Australian and New Zealand College of Obstetricians and Gynaecologists says that it is not usually necessary for young women, particularly those in their early twenties, to freeze their eggs as they usually fall pregnant naturally.

 

From the moment we are born, every experience and emotion we have ever felt is stored in the part of our mind called the subconscious. Intangible, immeasurable, and for the most part inaccessible, this portion of the human mind is complex and extremely important to our individual personal identities.

 

Our mind is like an iceberg. Floating in the ocean, we can only see what is above the surface of the water – and while this may be colossal in size, it only makes up a tiny ten percent of the total size of the iceberg. What is hidden underneath is nine times larger. Our conscious mind represents this ten percent of the iceberg in view, above the water, and our subconscious represents all that is below. The conscious mind is only a tiny portion of what is going on underneath.

The conscious mind is responsible for collecting information in our day-to-day life through our senses, which it relays back to the subconscious. The subconscious encompasses those activities we take for granted such as breathing, blinking and monitoring our temperatures, but it also stores every past experience, emotion, and thought we have ever had. Like the iceberg under the water, we can’t see or readily access the true depth and size of our incredibly powerful subconscious mind but it plays an extremely important role in all of our lives.

The capacity of the subconscious mind is incredible, with few limitations on how much it can store. According to motivational speaker, renowned self-development expert and author of Focal Point Brian Tracy, “By the time you reach 21, you’ve already stored more than one hundred times the content of the entire Encyclopedia Britannica.”

smell taste touch neon sign

The subconscious mind is constantly active and responsible for an incredible amount of our human functions, actions, choices and personality. In psychological terms, the subconscious is a secondary mind system that stores everything we receive through our senses in a kind of data processing memory bank. It monitors information coming in from our conscious mind such as sight, taste, hearing and touch.

The two aspects of the mind – conscious and subconscious – communicate all the time. The elements that are processed by our conscious mind only stay in the subconscious if they are intensely emotional experiences. This is partly what makes the subconscious so powerful and important in its long-term effects on us as individuals.

What does the subconscious mind actually do?

The subconscious element of our minds covers more than just suppressed desires and forgotten traumatic memories that we are often told about at school. It is responsible for all of those day-to-day movements and activities that we take for granted or don’t even consciously recognise doing. For example, breathing, blinking and regulating our body temperatures are all acts we do subconsciously.

According to psychologist Havan Parvez, of PsychMechanics, the subconscious is always active, even when we sleep. It communicates with us through images and symbols in our dreams, relaying information we have encountered during the day or even from many years ago – the subconscious storage bank goes back as long as we have been processing information through our senses.

 

 

Another key function of the subconscious relates to our behaviour. It regulates our reactions, actions, decisions, and physical choices to fit with those it has previously established as ‘ours’. It keeps our thoughts and beliefs consistent, establishing our comfort zones and deeming what activities would suit them.

Brian Tracy, self-development author and motivational public speaker, states that the subconscious mind is what, “Makes (our) behaviour fit a pattern consistent with (our) emotionalised thoughts, hopes, and desires.”

Man and woman in love sitting close

 

Psychology blog, Mindsets, also claims our natural intuition arises from the subconscious, which uses our previous experience, emotions and memory to help us assess situations. If you have ever felt a ‘gut feeling’ or inexplicable sense about something, this is your subconscious mind communicating with you and sending you signals based on your own previous knowledge.

According to Yvonne Oswald’s book, Every Word Has Power, the subconscious mind does the following:
  1. Operates the physical body.
  2. Has a direct connection with the Divine.
  3. Remembers everything.
  4. Stores emotions in the physical body.
  5. Maintains genealogical instincts.
  6. Creates and maintains least effort (repeating patterns).
  7. Uses metaphor, imagery and symbols.
  8. Takes direction from the conscious mind.
  9. Accepts information literally and personally.
  10. Does not process negative commands.

How can we harness its power?

It is important to know the ways in which we can harness the power of our subconscious minds. Think about emotional experiences you have had that have impacted your future life. Can personal issues with trust, relationships, certain habits, that you currently have be traced back to an incident or experience you had in the past? This is your subconscious mind acting based on the intense emotions you felt during that time.

Woman looking into the sunriseOne of the most significant reasons why we should endeavour to use the power of our subconscious for our mental health is to clear emotional blockages and for the purposes of personal healing. According to Joseph Drumheller, award-winning author and leader in meditation, healing and education, we must be in the proper state of mind before exploring our subconscious. He suggests practising some detachment when considering our emotional charges or particular feelings in isolation. Distance your rational mind from these emotions. Then it becomes easier, and safer, to push into these feelings a little deeper.

Drumheller says that letting yourself explore and feel your emotions as they arise or as you consider certain aspects of your life is important when working on your subconscious. Through your detachment from these emotions, start to think about them more critically. Take mental note of when a certain thought, image, noise, or memory triggers a particular emotion. From this point, we can start to ask ourselves why we feel this emotion, and if from our space of mental detachment, we can see that it may not be warranted, we can start to let the feeling go. As the emotion grows fainter and less raw, we are letting go of this emotional charge and clearing some weight from our subconscious.

This method is useful to try, but the results can differ from person to person. Drumheller suggests that if we are stuck with a particular emotional charge that is difficult to shift, or we begin to lose ourselves in the feelings of that emotion, then there is another method to try. Visualise a large scared object or symbol such as a flower or a cross hovering directly in front of you. Imagine that it holds immense power. Start to think about each of your emotions and visualise this object pulling the force of these emotions out of your heart and mind, drawing them into itself. In this way the power has been transferred to the object rather than your mind in releasing the emotional charge and is a good method for beginners or those struggling with release.

Further suggestions

There is an extensive array of literature, podcasts and other resources available for information and guidance regarding our subconscious. Several books written on the subject are available as audiobooks which can be a fantastic way to engage with the material.

Based on readership ratings, the following books are recommended:

  • The Power of Your Subconscious Mind by Joseph Murphy
  • Incognito: The Secret Lives of the Brain by David Eagleman
  • Beyond the Power of your Subconscious Mind by C. James Jenson
  • The Subconscious Mind: How to Use the Hidden Power of Your Mind to Reach Your Goals by Linda Siegmund

Exploring your subconscious is something that can be done privately but is also worthwhile when done with the assistance of a mental health professional such as a psychologist. Those trained in this field can guide you, provide suggestions, and offer support should you need it.

Therapies for your subconscious such as Private Subconscious-mind Healing (P.S.H) are also available for more guided or targeted exploration of the subconscious. This therapy is non-invasive, extremely gentle in its approach, and is designed to assist in resolving underlying subconscious problems that are affecting our day to day lives.

 

While the law of attraction has us believe we can be reaching our goals by simply focusing on what we want, the Principles of Attraction may be a more successful way of achieving our goals through mindfulness and thought-directed action.

Just think hard enough about the life you want, and you’ll have it – it’s as simple as that according to Law of Attraction. For many, this method fails to work. And that’s why the Law of Attraction has some serious challenges. Although the Law of Attraction is an established paradigm, the Principles of Attraction is a new mode gaining popularity. It is a slight change in wording but one that makes all the difference for the concepts underpinning the psychological theory.

What is the Law of Attraction?

The Law of Attraction is a psychological theory that dates back to times of the Ancient Greeks. It dictates that if you focus your mind on visualising or imagining a certain desire it will come into fruition. All of your thoughts, actions, and focus must be channelled towards this image constantly. By doing this, the Law claims that you will attract what you focus on – from like-minded people, to the desirable life or object itself. In basic terms – think hard enough about it and it will happen.

 

What is the difference between the Principles and the Law?

The Law of Attraction promotes obsessive one-track focus on a particular item or feature of life, and in its endeavour to seek positivity and attract like-minded people, it simultaneously alienates and promotes pessimism. Conversely, the Principles of Attraction focuses on positivity and mindfulness, channelling our energies towards a healthy and sustainable goal.

Girl with hands over face lying in bed One of the largest challenges that we encounter when looking at the Laws of Attraction is that they don’t take into account the realities of life which are quite often beyond human control. According to the Laws of Attraction, incidents such as physical accidents, weather disasters, bad timing, illnesses and injuries are all linked back to a lack of positivity and visualisation of our goals. Somewhere along the way we have lost focus and have attracted the ‘bad’ because we weren’t focused enough on the ‘good’.

This element is referred to as ‘visualisation’ under the Law of Attraction. The Principles of Attraction turn away from this somewhat inactive visualisation aspect and expand the term to encourage a more active role for us as visualisers. Psychologist and life coach Dr James Michael Nolan says, “our thoughts can get the ball rolling for the possibility of creation” but we must put the hard yards and energy into achieving our goals – simply picturing them is not enough.

 

How do I follow the Principles of Attraction?

Professor Neil Farber of Psychology Today advises the following in order to achieve a lifestyle in line with the Principles of Attraction:

  • Visualising is a process not an outcome.
    • Picturing your desired life does not produce this desired life. Visualising and focusing your energies into this idea is a process for obtaining what you are looking for – it does not immediately produce your desired life.
  • Value-based goals are more important than wants and desires.
    • Do not focus on the two-storey house with swimming pool, six bedrooms and a large backyard. Ask yourself why you want this. What feelings and emotions are underpinning this end goal? A sense of achievement? A place to call your own? A place your children can grow up with space and freedom? Make these values of family, connectivity, space and freedom your goal. Visualise these rather than what you perceive as their physical embodiment.
  • Your actions matter.
    • Regardless of how much time you spend focusing on your goals, at the end of the day it’s you who needs to make them happen. You are responsible for your actions and when your collective energies are all focused on these values, your actions should follow suit. Your goals are much more likely to be realised this way.
  • Be mindful of the present.
    • While looking ahead to the future and what you are hoping to find there, don’t forget to live in the present. It’s the choices that you make in the current moment that have the biggest impact on your future.
  • Remember challenges.
    • Regardless of how hard we might focus and commit our actions to achieving our goals, there are things in the world that are out of our control. No matter how much positive energy we may be sending out into the universe, accidents, challenges, roadblocks and stop signs are part of life. Don’t be hard on yourself – these things are not from a deficit in positivity on your part, but are features of all human life. Be optimistic, but realistic.

 

What other things can I do?

Dr Nolan suggests that a good way to maintain positivity and mindfulness whilst following the Principles of Attraction is to keep journals and lists of things that you appreciate in life already. This, combined with surrounding yourself with positive caring people and engaging with them in nurturing ways, is essential to staying happy while pursuing your goals.

Suggested Activities for mindfulness:

  • Meditation
    • Woman meditatingEvery morning before beginning the busy day, spend between 10-30 minutes meditating. Find a quiet place in the house, take a seat cross-legged or lay flat on your back and focus on your breathing. Follow your breath in for four seconds, hold for four seconds, out for four seconds, hold again and repeat. Calming your mind will help you reflect on whatever comes into your thoughts and prepare yourself for the day ahead.
    • Meditation can also be useful at the end of the day. Incorporating meditation into your nightly routine can assist with reflection on the day that has been and calm your senses ahead of the new day to come.
  • Gratitude lists
    • Writing a small 5-10 points list about things you are grateful for and the reasons you are grateful for them in your life is an excellent way to stay mindful and focus your goals in a healthy way. These lists can be made at the beginning or at the end of the day, and are particularly useful when we are feeling lost, sad, angry or losing touchNotebook journal writing with our goals.
    • These lists can cover anything from a person you are grateful for, the city you live in, to the small things that have made you smile during the day.
    • Keeping these lists in a journal or notebook is also very important. If we’re having a particularly bad day and are finding it hard to channel our thoughts positively, looking back on these lists is a wonderful way to redirect and focus our energies in the right direction again.
  • Mother and daughter walking in moutainsWalking
    • Going for a stroll – particularly with loved ones, family, and friends – is another fantastic way to practice mindfulness and focus on your goals. Reflecting on the things you see on the walk such as the natural surroundings, the sounds, the people you may have encountered is an important way to remind yourself to live in the present moment while still aiming to achieve your goals.

 

Why doesn’t the Law concept work?

Woman writing in journal  The key difference that Dr Nolan highlights is; “Principles outline how things go, or tend to go. Laws say they cannot go otherwise.” This is why it is useful to consider attraction within the framework of principles; guidelines and features to follow rather than make-or-break laws that will often end in disappointment.

Studies show that following the Law of Attraction method without consideration of the elements underpinning the psychological process results in a success rate of only 0.1%. Very few people can achieve their obsessively-visualised end goal within the rigidity of the Laws of Attraction. The Principles, on the other hand, give us flexibility and room for growth – not to mention the impact on your own sense of self during the process.

 

What should I take away from the Principle of Attraction?

  • Take action for you own life choices.
  • Make decisions that will help you achieve your goals.
  • Chanel your thoughts, meditations, mantras and efforts into what you want.
  • Send positive energies outward and receive positive energies back in return.

It is up to us to personally change our attitudes and follow the Principles – it is not up to the world to deliver us everything we want if we think hard enough on it. As Professor Farber says, “Don’t leave your goal fulfilment to the universe.” Go out, set your goals, aim your positive energies at achieving them, and appreciate the good things you already have. Two women smiling and happy

 

 

 

It took all of 30 seconds to go from, “You can’t play with me,” to the older sister belting her younger brother on his back with her Barbie doll. There were many tears, a Timeout, and a forced apology, as well as a ban on all play dates for the rest of the week.

Sibling conflict and rivalry is all too familiar to many families. With arguments ending in violent outbursts, crying and an effort to separate the sparring kids, parents often wonder if their children will ever get along. While the cliches in popular culture frequently portray negative relationships between siblings, being aware of the long-term effects of this kind of behaviour is important for parents.

Recent paediatrics studies published in the United States National Library of Medicine reveals being bullied by a sibling can be just as damaging to a child’s mental and emotional health as being bullied by another child in the playground or at school. The home is meant to be a safe space for each individual member of a family. When bullying occurs there, children will feel helpless, anxious and extremely unhappy, which can manifest into more serious issues of depression and other mental illnesses as they grow older.

It is important to note that there is a difference between bullying and rivalry – bullying is more infrequent than rivalry. Sibling bullying has an element of aggression verbally and physically that rivalry does not. Violent words, manner of speech, as well as physical actions and intent are all signs of bullying. Rivalry lacks this ongoing element of aggression and nastiness and, according to Sherri Gordon of Verywell Family,

“This bullying…stays with the victim for years to come.”Sad young girl

Sibling relationships are shaped by a multitude of forces. While family dynamics and composition play a role, as do extramarital factors, every child is unique. Research indicates that siblings can be as different to one another as two completely unrelated children.

A study by Cambridge University conducted on a group of children over five years investigated the nature of sibling rivalry. It discovered siblings have an overall positive impact on each other, even if their relationship isn’t completely happy.

According to the study, mild rivalry between siblings can be beneficial to both children and will not often have long term impacts. It is when this behaviour is sustained and occurs over a lengthy period of both siblings’ childhoods that issues can arise. These negative impacts can result in long term problems such as:

  • Difficulty with relationship-building later in life (romantic and non-romantic)
  • Behavioural problems
  • Difficulty in social situations
  • Extreme competitiveness
  • Difficulty accepting criticism and being a “sore loser”

A healthy amount of rivalry can boost a number of positive elements in the younger sibling’s early development. Older children expose their younger brothers or sisters to emotionally rich language particularly when engaged in an argument or competition with the younger sibling. The Cambridge study found, that by the age of six, younger siblings could converse with their older siblings about emotions on equal footing rather than at the level of other six-year-old children.

Two children playing together

It is in the space of sibling relationships that children learn the most about conflict resolution and prevention, as well as testing their social skills both before and during their primary school years.

Michele Fry of Greatschools.org states, “It’s where children learn to cooperate and compromise – skills they carry into adulthood.” With a sibling, the boundaries and limits of social interaction which are modelled by parents can be tested and experimented. Fry explains, unlike with a school-yard friend, a sibling won’t leave their brother or sister if they get called a name or teased by their sibling. In this way, siblings continually learn from each other about how to interact with their peers.

What is important to note is that this testing of social interaction between siblings needs to be monitored by their parent – what can be seen initially as pushing the boundaries can quickly escalate into abuse if the behaviour continues. In this situation the parent should intervene to reinforce positive behaviours and mediate conflict if the children can’t do so between themselves.

 

The role of the parents

Parents have one of the biggest influences over the relationship between their children. Dr Sylvia Rimm, psychologist and director of the Family Achievement Clinic, outlines what is important for parents to know about rivalry between their children.

  1. Labelling

Referring to your children as the “sporty” child, or the “creative” or the “academic” child can cause significant problems for both children. While this may initially seem like a good way to encourage and guide children into areas they may show a natural propensity for, it can have adverse effects.

Dr Rimm states, labels reinforce differences between siblings and can encourage competitiveness for certain titles, commenting;

“When children are labelled best in a domain, they often do their best to prevent another sibling from encroaching on their domain.”

Michele Fry also highlights the negative impact on self-development that labels can cause. Children who are labelled early will often live up to these labels and be disinclined to venture into other areas. It limits their capacity for developing an identity separate to the one they have had reinforced constantly by their parents and siblings because of the label they were given at an early age.

  1. Gender, age and family dynamics

Gender, age and family dynamics are also important to consider as parents when assessing the level of sibling rivalry and encouraging positive sibling relationships. Rivalry is generally harmless and something that most siblings grow out of by the time they have reached their late teen years. Dr Rimm outlines the following instances where rivalry can escalate or cause prolonged problems for both siblings:

  • Two close-aged children of the same gender e.g. two sisters 18 months apart
  • The younger sibling following directly after a very talented oldest child
  • The “baby” of the family

Two young sisters in grass

It’s also important to remember that siblings spend more time together than they do with their peers. Growing up, living in the same household, going through shared family experiences, all contribute to siblings knowing one another in a way that peers do not. While this can be positive for relationship building into the future, it can also have a negative impact for rivalry and bullying. A sibling will know their brother or sister’s weak spots and sensitivities more than schoolyard friends might.

Professor of Applied Family Studies, Laurie Kramer, states,

“Children can take advantage of vulnerabilities and make the other one feel bad with a word.”

This kind of emotional rivalry or bullying is harder for parents to monitor but can be extremely damaging long term on self-esteem and development particularly if it occurs frequently during teenage years.

 

What are the long-term impacts?

According to Mike Bundrant, psychotherapist and co-founder of the Neuro-Linguistic Program, sibling rivalry and aggression can have the same long term as bullying by a peer. In the teenage and young adult years, it can result in a deterioration of self-esteem and sense of personal identity. This usually arises in cases where sibling rivalry takes the form of frequent humiliation or a desire to embarrass one sibling in a public setting.

Sibling rivalry can continue into adulthood and be a feature of a family relationship that never goes away. As adults, there can be competition surrounding financial and employment success, marital and familial situation, and on the successes of the sibling’s own children.

Siblings are usually the closest and most long-lasting family relationship in anyone’s life. Siblings will grow old together in a way that a parent child relationship doesn’t usually provide. If this relationship can be nurtured from a young age, siblings may have a better chance of maintaining a supportive and healthy relationship into adulthood as they create their own lives away from the family home.

Family gathering

Educational consultant and parenting coach, Chrissy Khachane, suggests the following tips for creating positive sibling relationships:

  1. Support cooperative play.
  2. Teach each child to respect the differences between one another.
  3. Talk through poor behaviour with each child to promote understanding in difficult situations.
  4. Teach your children to resolve conflict.
  5. Reinforce boundaries with private conversations.
  6. Give each child individual attention away from his/her sibling.
  7. Modelling healthy relationships by validating each child’s feelings from time to time.
  8. Teach them the difference between tattling and seeking help.
  9. Give each child their own physical space.
  10. Teach your children to recognise and label their own emotions.
  11. Family rituals and traditions are a great way to foster healthy sibling relationships.

Parents walking with children