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Mindful parenting: Learning to respond rather than react

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This article by Charanyaa Gopalakrishnan explores the concept of Mindful Parenting, which is being able to understand our emotions not allow them to trigger our responses to our children.

Our brain is triggered when it senses danger or a potential threat, therefore making us react instantly to what is going to happen. Unfortunately, it can be tricky for our brain to understand what is an actual ‘danger’ to what is just a situation. In simple terms, it fails to know how to respond instead of react.

Mindful Parenting is a topic that I found immensely interesting wanted to explore, and has now become an idea that I wish to share. This is not about being a ‘perfect parent’, but rather about consciously being present at the situation, absorbing it and not getting hijacked by our emotions. This can be complex to get into our system and put into practice, but it has an immense impact on our children and their ability to be mindful about their behaviour.

Mindfulness in parenting is how we manage our behaviour and emotions to let children learn how they can manage theirs.

It maybe a simple instance of seeing our child having breakfast and fearing there may be a big spill to clean. Instead of responding, a jolt shoots through us making our reaction unpleasant. Many of these reactions are a reflection of our own childhood experiences and consequently this stress response can be triggered easily. When the receptor of stress sparks off, we are unable to get clarity in thinking and we fail to pay attention. As a result, our problem solving ability diminishes thoroughly. ‘Flipping out’ as a reaction occurs in no time and we forget how our children comprehend that. We fail to know how scary we appear in their eyes. Seeing how an adult reacts in distress becomes a negative learning experience for them. We need to teach our children that one can pause, think and respond as an alternative to react.

It also gives you the ability to take a step back and look at a situation rather than being highly impulsive and most importantly to improve your relationship with your child.

Mindfulness in parenting is how we manage our behaviour and emotions to let children learn how they can manage theirs. As parents, we must be regulated before we try teaching our kids. Sadly, when we are overcome by stress or exhaustion, we can be emotionally unavailable to our child. However, if we are carried away by our emotions we can give another chance to ourselves to consciously make a different choice – being present. While there are good days and bad days, there are definitely negative elements of being upset or angry. Mindful parenting is paying close attention to what one feels as a parent and responding in accordance with that without any guilt of past situations. Simply, focusing on what is now. This helps hugely in being aware of one’s own feelings, being more responsive to the child’s needs, and becoming better at modulating one’s emotions. It also gives you the ability to take a step back and look at a situation rather than being highly impulsive and most importantly to improve your relationship with your child.

If we are carried away by our emotions we can give another chance to ourselves to consciously make a different choice – being present.

In times of stress or feeling overwhelmed it is difficult to be the best version of ourselves. Our children can be expected to know these triggers. In order to tackle this effectively, we must know what the ‘hot spots’ or emotional triggers are. We may be most vulnerable at a particular time of the day or be unavailable emotionally. These are the situations that we must familiarize ourselves with so as to make the best choice to change our behaviour accordingly.

As previously mentioned, these are a reflection of our own childhood experiences. Perhaps your child behaves in a way that is against your beliefs, like throwing a tantrum at a restaurant where you feel embarrassment. Maybe it is evoking a childhood memory of your own, such as excelling academically and causing you to ‘react’ when your child fails. Your child’s behaviour may evoke a trauma in your life, for example if you had nearly drowned in a pool you may get paranoid every time your child gets into the pool while learning to swim.

Being mindful can help us understand both our children and ourselves in a huge way.

To get control over our senses and emotions we must first identify what the situations are that may trigger those ‘hot spots’ in us that are responsible for the emotional outbursts. Parenting is not a ‘one size fit all’, however being mindful can help us understand both our children and ourselves in a huge way. Understanding our feelings when we conflict with our child, taking a step back before giving a response in anger and listening before disagreeing to the viewpoint of our children are the essential factors to keep in mind. There will be times when we cannot control ourselves and we react in a certain way, which we regret later. We can always apologize to our kids in such a case, after all we are still in the learning curve and parents make mistakes too.

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DADS

At the clinic: The story of a sperm donor

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Have you ever been in a situation that is so out of the ordinary that you can’t help but laugh, even if it might be serious? This story from Ben Tari is about the bizarre real-life experience of donating sperm to help a lesbian friend become pregnant.

I try to catch his eye to acknowledge the bizarreness of the ordeal, but without luck. There is no camaraderie. This is serious business.

“Well if he can’t make it happen, at least you know mine works!” It was crude but we laughed, as friends do. Then my three kids blurred past in a cacophony of squeals and Nerida’s smile faded.

“Actually,” she said, “would you consider it?”

So now I’m on the 17th floor of a grey building in the city, in a waiting room surrounded by cream furniture and smoky glass, filling out paperwork about who can access my frozen sperm. The receptionist is appropriately professional, armed with a vocab that avoids words that could make the situation seem dirty, however, the repetition of the word ‘deposit’ makes me chuckle inside. The couple opposite seem earnest; I can tell they’ve been here before by the way they breeze through the forms. I try to catch his eye to acknowledge the bizarreness of the ordeal, but without luck. There is no camaraderie. This is serious business.

It all seems quite surreal and I can’t wipe the goofy grin off my face.

I’m handed a room key. It’s a chunky white plastic paddle with a red number one on it. Like a toilet key from a trendy cafe, so no one can walk in on each other. The nurse also hands me a specimen jar that seems kind of small, but I accept the challenge.

The ‘deposit’ room is a cross between a bathroom and a small hotel room. Except instead of a bed, there is a slick leather recliner like a dentist’s chair. It’s covered in paper towelling. There is a bright white sink next to which a stainless steel rubbish bin sparkles. There are two thick black folders of porn; one straight, one gay. A sizeable flat-screen telly looms on the wall in front of the recliner. The tilt of the chair and screen placement makes it like a cockpit but I decide against using the chair; there’s no need to mess up the place or have to clean. My aim is true. I screw the lid on and leave with a final glance to make sure I’ve covered my tracks; like a cat burying the evidence.

I see humour and wonder in the undertaking but I’m beginning to see that most cannot afford this luxury.

The corridor is lit supermarket-style, making me squint. I’m light-headed from the endorphins buzzing through my system as I lurch up to a sliding window and press the buzzer. A chirpy scientist in a lab coat smiles and offers to take my sample after signing more documents. It all seems quite surreal and I can’t wipe the goofy grin off my face. It’s way too early after a sexual act to be asked serious questions. The scientist can see my amusement. She rides a fine line between professionalism and a knowing smile. Her hair in a tight bun, serious glasses low on her nose and her doctor-esque outfit all combine to recreate a character out of the Black Label Penthouse I’d been gawking at a minute ago. Interestingly, I feel an overwhelming need to be held. And maybe chuckle. In a place that’s catered for everything necessary to procure my semen, is intimacy too much to ask?

For us, getting pregnant is about letting it happen and not getting in the way. The fertility clinic is the exact opposite.

Next week we have to go to counselling, my wife and I, where doubtless we will be asked many uncomfortable what if questions. We joke that Nerida is around so often at our house that the kid will believe they’re one of ours anyway; just another in the constant parade of ragamuffins. It’s going to be okay. For us, getting pregnant is about letting it happen and not getting in the way. The fertility clinic is the exact opposite. It conspires and calculates and demands that every personal detail be scrutinised, from ovulation cycles to sperm stalk numbers. All at a hefty price. I find it tricky to take the clinic seriously. Nerida finds it tricky to get pregnant. I see humour and wonder in the undertaking but I’m beginning to see that most cannot afford this luxury.

Author Ben Tari is a writer, actor, teacher and father of three. He gets his mojo from the power of stories and often finds humour in odd places.

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PARENTING

Text messages to parents can help boost children’s reading skills

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Boosting preschoolers’ literacy can be as simple as sending their parents a few texts – but it’s important not to overdo it.

That was the key finding of a recent study that was conducted of a text-messaging program developed at Stanford University that is meant to improve parental engagement. Kalena E. Cortes and Hans Fricke – together with Susanna Loeb and David Song – are interested in the best ways to improve children’s academic performance.

Through the program that was studied, parents get three types of text messages: facts, tips and growth text messages.

Facts include general information about important literacy skills and parent-child activities, such as, “Children need to know letters to learn how to read & write. Research shows that kids with good letter knowledge become good readers.”

Tips include actionable advice with specific examples of parent-child literacy activities, such as, “Point out the first letter in your child’s name in magazines, on signs & at the store. Have your child try. Make it a game. Who can find the most?”

Growth messages provide continuous encouragement to parents of preschoolers throughout the school year: “Keep pointing out letters. You’re preparing your child 4K (for kindergarten)! Point out each of the letters in your child’s name. Ask: What sound does it make?”

Discovering What Works

For our study, we wanted to know why the text-message program works and how to make it more effective. More specifically, we wanted to know if the advice being provided through the program was working and whether more text message tips would make the program even stronger.

To do this, we carried out a randomized experiment with 3,473 parents of preschoolers in a large urban school district in Texas. Four out of 5 of the preschoolers in our study came from families that are considered poor. Sixty-seven percent of the preschoolers are Hispanic and 28 percent are black.

We divided the parents of preschoolers into three different groups. The first group only got one text tip per week – on Wednesdays. The second group got the same thing as the first group, plus a fact message on Monday and a growth message on Friday. The third group got a text message five days a week. More specifically, this last group got a fact message on Mondays, a tip message on Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Thursdays, and a growth message on Fridays.

Three is the magic number for engagement

What we ultimately found is that three is the magic number for parent engagement. One tip is not enough and five text messages is too many. We found that parents who got one tip reported to engage less often with their children than parents with three text messages, but that five text messages were more likely to lead parents to opt out of the program. That is, parents who got five messages opted out at a rate of 8 percent, while parents who only got three texts opted out at a rate of 5 percent.

We also found that the effectiveness of the program to improve children’s literacy development, measured in 1-on-1 assessments, depends on how strong a preschooler’s literacy skills were in the first place. If children were lower performing, the single text message was not enough and in fact their literacy strength dropped compared to children whose parents received three texts. For instance, when children were asked to identify whether or not a word pair rhymes, lower performing children in the single-message program identified, on average, 0.6 out of nine word pairs less than those in the three-message program.

But those who were higher performing increased more in the single-message program – the one that offered just a tip – than in the three-message program, which included a fact, tip and growth message. As an example, the higher-performing children in the single-message program named around one common object more in one minute than those in the three-message program. The five-message program made no difference compared to the three-text program.

The bottom line is that for a text message program to work for parents, it pays to pay attention to what kind of messages are being sent and how often they are being sent. Parents of lower-performing children may benefit more from general information and encouragement, whereas parents of higher-performing children may only need tips on specific activities.

 

This article was originally published on The Conversation

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WELLSPRING

The Happiness Plan: How to be a Mindful Parent

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Mindful - Elise Bialylew

Doctor Elise Bialylew, author of The Happiness Plan, explains the benefits of parents developing a ‘beginner’s mind’ while trying to engage with their child’s world.

As humans we have a unique evolutionary advantage, with minds that can project into the future, solve complex problems and generate creative ideas that transform what is possible. However, this unique talent comes at a cost. With minds that are free to time travel between past, present and future, we get excessively caught up in future thinking that creates unnecessary worry in our lives.

But, in its most cultivated form, the mind can be a resource for our deepest happiness, and for the flourishing of all humanity – and the planet. We are only just beginning to understand the potential impact that meditation can have on the brain, but what is clear is that mindfulness, when practiced regularly, can lead to long-lasting transformation.

One key attitude in the practise of mindfulness is the ‘beginner’s mind’. This is the ability to bring a freshness to your experience, seeing things ‘as if for the first time’, which allows you to drop your assumptions, ideas and desires, and instead be completely open to your experience. I’m often reminded of this quality by my two-year-old daughter. When I took her to the snow for the first time, she became completely absorbed in her exploration. In mindfulness, we’re invited to bring this quality of attention and curiosity to our meditation practice.

Through beginner’s mind, the fog of ‘ordinary’ starts to lift, and we see our lives with freshness and delight. Rather than seeing what we think is there, we see what is actually there. This new way of seeing opens us to new possibilities as we step out of our self-limiting assumptions, beliefs and habits.

Imagine how bringing a beginner’s mind to just one day of your life could change how you experience your family, friends, work and the many aspects of your day.

Life can get so busy that it’s easy to take the people closest to us for granted, and not be truly present to them. The ‘beginner’s mind’ that we practise through mindfulness reminds us to wake up and experience the preciousness of those around us.

“The fog of ‘ordinary’ starts to lift, and we see our lives with freshness and delight. Rather than seeing what we think is there, we see what is actually there”.

Beginner’s mind helps me cut through the sometimes monotonous daily routine of motherhood and experience precious moments where my full presence meets my daughter’s, and I’m moved to tears. Looking into the deep, dark-brown eyes of this little girl, I’m overwhelmed by her purity and innocence, and the complete miracle of her existence. I’m aware that she is still very close to an original, non-separate consciousness that connects all living things; the incomprehensible intelligence of life is peering out at me, the intelligence that has transformed itself from an embryo into a complex human being.

Children are a potent source of mindfulness. These days my daughter is my main teacher as I navigate the extended, not-so-silent mindfulness meditation retreat that is motherhood. Some nights after book time, I lie with her and we meditate together. I’ve introduced her to the concept of meditation, experimenting with how much she can understand of the practice. We watch a teddy move up and down on her belly as she breathes, and she giggles with delight. Then we do a few Om chants together – there is nothing religious in this chant, we’re just enjoying the sound of singing in unison. We chant, ‘Om, Om, Om,’ as we gaze into each other’s eyes. To enjoy this stillness with a toddler feels almost holy, a rare moment, as we manage to maintain eye contact for a few minutes.

“These days my daughter is my main teacher as I navigate the extended, not-so-silent mindfulness meditation retreat that is motherhood”.

In these moments it often occurs to me that my partner, my parents, all the people in my life and the strangers I walk past in the street are also mysterious living, breathing expressions of consciousness. Yet somehow, as we get older, it gets harder to maintain this wonder about one another, this beginner’s mind. Somehow the complete innocence of my daughter seems to be a direct line to presence and pure consciousness. It’s this exact quality of being that we try to return to through the practice of meditation.

“The most precious gift we can offer anyone is our attention. When mindfulness embraces those we love they bloom life flowers.”
Thich Nhat Hanh

Here’s an exercise to practice stepping into ‘beginner’s mind’ with your child, amplifying your presence as a parent. This practice can be explored with toddlers as well as older children. 

1. Decide on a time of the day when you have 20 minutes and dedicate this time to being fully present to your child and activating your curiosity.

2. Ask your child what they would like to do and follow their lead over this 20-minute period without suggesting other options (assuming of course what they are suggesting is safe).

3. As you engage with your child see them as if for the very first time. Notice the tone of their voice. Notice whether or not they make eye contact. Notice the different facial expressions as you engage in this activity. Notice your tendency to want to suggest something other than what they are suggesting. Bring awareness to your own emotional state: notice if there is joy, impatience, a tendency to think about all the things you need to do, then bring your attention back to your child. Notice all the details of their physical appearance as if you were going to draw them.

4. After the exercise find sometime later in the day to journal about your experience. Reflect on these questions:

  • What was it like to engage with your child in this way?
  • How was it different to how you normally interact with your child?
  • What did you notice about your child?
  • What did you notice about yourself?

 

DR Elise Bialylew is the author of The Happiness Plan (Affirm Press, $24.99) and the founder of Mindful in May, the largest online global mindfulness fundraising campaign that features the world’s leading experts and raises funds for clean water projects in the developing world. A doctor trained in psychiatry, and a mindfulness expert, she’s passionate about supporting individuals and organisations to develop inner tools for greater wellbeing and flourishing.

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